Saturday, 20 February 2010

Reversal Of Hope

Yesterday I heard from Pieter that he had been communicating with professor Weijmar Schultz of the UMCG regarding my case. Whether it was just a really unfortunate wording used in his last email to me or something else, Pieter informed me that Weijmar Schultz had said that they're willing to further look at and perform tests in my case. The confusing part for me is that they're claiming this can only be done within the protocol for transsexuals, yet I'm very familiar with this protocol and I fail to see the relevance. Anything they'd have to do for me would fall outside that protocol.

This protocol for transsexuals basically involves months of talks with psychologists to confirm whether this person truly wishes to swap genders, then the person is allowed to pretend to be that other gender in real life, the so-called real-life test. If the person still insists on swapping gender and that person is healthy, the hormone therapy is started and after a few years if things went right there's the option of gender reassignment surgery.

Now, the AMC hospital has already concluded that I'm not transsexual, so those talks got swapped by the UMCG for talks with a psychologist regarding how to handle my situation, specifically emotionally. Fair enough. Yet they are also going to offer urological tests and such in order to see whether they can find anything unusual about my body, including the low testosterone production and 'feminine' sexual sensitivity. At this point what they said they want to do with me doesn't even resemble the aforementioned protocol for transsexuals. So why even mention it? Not even for the law could they pretend it's the same.

What also disturbs me is that Weijmar Schultz in his last email to me literally says: "Important for you to know is that we only perform treatment when it involves transsexuality." ("Belangrijk voor jou is om te weten dat wij slechts behandelen als er sprake is van transseksualiteit."). I mean, what the hell?

In short, knowing that they're not done with me at the UMCG doesn't give me any hope. I have long since passed the point where I can look forward to the promise of help as my experience is that it's never what I expect. For all I know the UMCG will turn out to be even worse than the VUMC hospital in this case. Only if they prove me wrong on this will I maybe begin to believe in hope again.

In general I have come to realize that I can't handle the realities of society and social interactions very well, and even more poorly as of late. This has forced me to abandon existing and hopes on future involvement with others except on a purely rational and 'childish' level. For now at least. It has become too hard for me to face the current reality about my body and how poorly it fits in with everything and everyone around me without there being anything I can do to change it. Unless I want to literally burn myself out with stress this is the only way I can protect myself for now.

If I were religious I'd be praying with fervor that the article to be published in number 9 of the 'de Telegraaf' newspaper will bring about some miraculous change. I'm not sure I can last another year like the last one, with virtually no change, plenty of disappointments and my increasingly worsening physical condition. It has been a scientific fact for a while now that stress can reduce one's lifespan and even outright kill individuals through secondary effects. I attempt to stay as calm as possible, yet I do worry that the past and upcoming experiences I have gone through may indeed already have done their damage or will worsen it.

A few nights ago I woke up during the night with my chest hurting quite painfully, to then radiate towards my left arm. After a few minutes the pain began to subside, but it was a frightening experience indeed. I have days when all I can do is bear this dull pain inside my head, sometimes accompanied by a sharp, stabbing headache, with frequent episodes where I nearly begin to hyperventilate. Breathing exercises and such only seem to do so much at this point.

I really hope things will turn out well, really soon...


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