I just recovered from a paralyzation attack. I haven't had one of these in months. This one lasted half an hour, and was preceded by crying for about an hour. I didn't realize I was suffering paralysis again until I found myself crawling on the ground again and was barely able to get myself more or less sitting on a couch before it fully struck.
It's a clear indication that the stress I'm under has reached new levels. The probable cause is strangely enough John Hopkins Medical's apparent willingness to help me, and the many uncertainties which result from this. This is unknown territory for me, and over six years of experiences are yelling at me that nothing has changed, that they'll soon tell me something which will cast me back into this dark cellar I have grown accustomed to during the past fifteen years.
Either JHM will tell me that they won't have time for me until many months from now, in which case it's game over for me, or they'll require me to pay up in advance again and there'll be no way for me to collect that kind of money, or I'll somehow get there and they'll start treating me like those twisted shades of people we call Dutch physicians. It's got to be one of those, right?
I mean, it's not possible that I'll manage to get to Maryland, get examined there and receive a satisfactory diagnosis and treatment plan. There's no chance that'll happen. I'm just clinging to false hopes here. Nothing could have prepared me for this: feeling so intensely torn between the shreds of hope and years of bitter and traumatic experiences.
I hope I can get some assurances out of JHM the coming time, and I hope they understand the urgent nature of my case here. If one of those three doom scenarios were to occur, I have this sinking feeling that it'll most likely be fatal to me. I can only reason with my subconsciousness to some extent, and if any of those scenarios were to occur I'm quite sure it'd definitely push me over the edge.
I'm afraid. I'm terrified. I'm trembling and shivering. I'm crying.
These last steps towards potential salvation are the hardest in my life so far.