First time I'll undergo surgery. First staying the night at a hospital or clinic. First time a surgeon actually does his job. First time my life is changing for the better.
Uncertainty about whether the surgeon will decide to proceed with the introitoplasty. Questions about what the result will be if I do get the introitoplasty: what will this vagina of mine be like in terms of development? It still feels so strange to even be talking about it as a real thing.
By the end of tomorrow I should have at least the answers to the most essential questions, and know whether the introitoplasty will be performed. The surgeon will be doing an ultrasound for the orchiectomy as part of the standard procedure, and a transrectal ultrasound to examine the possibility of an introitoplasty. To be honest I no longer want to think about what it's going to be. I know what I'm hoping for and I know what would disappoint me greatly. One would mean a happy ending to the medical side of the story, the other would mean the continuation of this hellish nightmare.
Main reason why it would end the nightmare is that the introitoplasty would mean the ultimate evidence of me being intersex and a hermaphrodite. Without it people, including physicians, will keep questioning whether I'm intersex at all and ridicule me for thinking that I actually could have female reproductive organs. It'll maintain the doubt and possibly even worsen things if I know it's there but can't be operated upon. I'm not sure how I would handle that news.
Hoping for the best here... See you guys at the other side.