Thursday, 20 October 2011

Trudging Forth On The Path Of Infinite Regrets

One can not live without accumulating regrets about past decisions and past events. Many of them are relatively insignificant, like whether missing that date with that one girl would have made any real difference, or losing that winning lottery ticket for a grand total of $100 or so. Others are far more influential, especially medical issues, as they literally touch upon the very core of our existence.

Emotionally it's not been easy for me since I learned the facts about my body. Before the surgeon told me what he found there were so many possibilities, some of them better, some of them worse than what I ended up with when this waveform of possibilities collapsed into the basic truth. I had been right all those years, but also wrong. The Dutch physicians and psychologists have lied to me and attempted to brainwash me through elaborate deceptions. I do have a vagina, but its development got stuck on a relatively early level and isn't usable. I am essentially without genitals, as apparently both cell lines, XX and XY, fought over control when it came to developing the genitals and both lost. That's why I only have a hybrid clitoris/penis structure which is neither, and a vagina and prostate remnant. It's also why I had undeveloped testicles and have never been fertile as either side.

I am a freak.

Such a simple word, with so much pain and anguish behind it. The treatment by my very own country is something I simply can not comprehend let alone deal with at this point. The many regrets about having been born like this, with such a questionable body. Being without genitals. Being infertile. Having to get additional surgery to have an artificial vagina created to allow me to still have some semblance of genitals and the possibility of a sex life. The emotional mess which is a result of growing up like this.

So much left to do before I can maybe become happy.

I feel beyond disgusted and horrified at what my very own country has done to me and I really can not stay here any longer than absolutely necessary. Whether it was sheer incompetence or malevolence which drove them to trample my human rights like this I do not know. All I know is that they won't fix it and I can't fix it.

*takes a deep breath*

The positive news is that the wounds from the surgery are healing quite well. Yesterday I also visited my lawyer regarding the official gender change and progress is being made there. All that is required now are a confirmation from the surgeon that I am fact infertile now thanks to the orchiectomy and more annoyingly proof that he is an approved physician as that's required by law to testify that a person is intersex. More annoying delays.

My lawyer is also going to help me find another lawyer who can help me launch a case against the Dutch police and the various hospitals here who have caused me so many grievances, both emotional and physical in nature. I'm very grateful that she's doing this for me. Hopefully I can find some closure that way.



Trond said...

Wow. I don't know how I found your blog (you know the the interweb), but this post was heartbreaking. Please know this though: regardless of what's happening below your belt, you are beautiful. You are creative, you make a difference in people's lives and you're part of this great thing called life.

Be brave and keep moving forward. You're gonna make it fine.

Big love from Canada,

Maya Posch said...

Thank you, Trond :)