Sunday, 25 December 2011

Contemplating On A Merry XMas

Around this time last year the situation at the previous place where I lived was reaching a climax, with my then housemate and I pretending that things were fine while we were unpacking the XMas gifts under the tree. It was a forced charade which quickly worsened as my now ex-housemate and the girl (now one of my stalkers) he was dating back then putting more and more pressure on me to make me leave the place, and to humiliate and degrade me by insisting that I wasn't intersex but a crazy guy and other unpleasantness.

Early January the constant bullying led to me taking an overdose of sleeping pills. I will never forget the incredible peace I felt while I was swallowing them down with some water. Before I did all that I had brushed my hair and done my usual morning chores in the full realization that it would be the very last time I would ever do that. The last time I would see my face in the mirror. The last time I would brush my hair. The last time I'd worry about the condition of my skin. I do not remember passing out.

Waking up in the hospital afterwards was the most horrible experience ever, though I didn't realize this until the next day when the effects of the sleeping pills had worn off. I wanted to go back so badly to that peaceful feeling while I was taking those sleeping pills.

Since that suicide attempt things have changed, some good (surgery in Germany) others bad (beaten up by police for no reason and suffering permanent health consequences). Looking back I can't say that my life on the whole has significantly improved. Moving on from the medical madness I have now entered into the legal madness as I try to come to grips with what in heaven's name has happened to me and why those Dutch physicians and psychologists felt the need to abuse and torture me like that. I still don't understand it one bit, nor do I understand why the police felt the need to hurt me inside and outside.

When I did the interview with Sarah Hill a few days ago she paraphrased from part of my blog:

"Above all I know, I feel, I realize, I am aware, I am pained, I want to run away from the fact that I am a freak.

Maybe I'm not a freak, but I can not convince myself that I am not. The questions of what I am and what my place in society is are too strong and too fundamental to be shoved aside, or answered with external help.

This morning I did manage to take a shower even though it's still hard to see my own body in a mirror. It's my own small victory. For a brief moment."

I think that with this bit Sarah really captured what lies at the heart of my struggles. I can not accept myself nor my situation and my environment has to help me with this, while it isn't capable of doing so.

The past weeks I have had to state what I think about social networks like Google+ and how they have and are helping me. I will admit that Google+ has led to some useful contacts, resulting in the interview with Sarah Hill, but as a whole it's mostly negative. There are some people on Google+ who are suffering from an inflated ego and have hurt me by being ignorant. Yesterday and earlier today I had to leave a video chat Hangout on Google+ because they were talking rather vulgarly about sexuality, setting off my traumas. It makes me feel like I'm just a small, hurt child at those moments.

Last Friday I was returning from an appointment in the nearby city of Deventer when I was waiting to cross a busy road. I found myself wondering how much damage those speeding cars could do to my body if I jumped in front of one. With a cold, analytical and emotionally detached feeling I imagined how it'd crush my bones and probably leave me crippled.

I don't think I have progressed much from that moment in early January of this year. I still search for that peaceful feeling, the feeling that everything is finally the way it should be. I'm not sure I'll find it anywhere but in death.

Merry XMas.



Chris said...

Merry Xmas Sparky!

Even though it sounds like you have gone into zen meditation mode to review events.

I, for one, am glad to have you in my circles.

I will be toking to your honour and the honour of others both on G+ and around the world attempting to make sense of the planetary ride called Earth.

OhSillySillyMe said...

I found my peace when I left behind what have been my biggest sources of stress and physical and psychological hurt, abuse and trauma for most of my life. It wasn't a clear cut though, it was a long and often painful process.

Only a few weeks of being in what I imagine would to other people be an uncomfortable situation (e.g. sleeping on anything but a bed, just a toaster for a kitchen etc.), my quality of life increased rapidly, due to the sole reason of being somewhere else and no possibility of being forced to return. The often imagined "glorious" day had come; I had become an independent person, comepletely on my own. Finally, I started to become myself - something I always wanted, something I never could be before.

Such involuntary thoughts, which you described (I had that same thought many times myself, sometimes using my knowledge of human anatomy to "simulate" possible injuries and outcomes in my head), eventually stopped creeping up on me and I hadn't even realized it until months later. I didn't think of death virtually all the time anymore, which had especially been a very big issue for some years before that. This freedom was a completely new aand long sought-after experience for me, a person depressed and broken since before age seven, when I wanted to kill myself for the first time - at least that is the earliest instance I clearly remember, I had less severe depressions since age two, which I still remember as well.

On a side note: My situation differs in at least (and naturally it's actually more than) one major point: It had never occured to me that I could fight for myself, for who I am. I had always been a spectator of my own life, in which I had no saying and no opinions of my own - not that such things were of interest to me at that time. That changed a lot since then and is still changing. In retrospect, I would have done a lot of things differently, if I had had the confidence I have now (I wasn't one to give up easily, even then), I would have stood up for myself. But unfortunately that is not the way it is and that made me the person I am today, with all the good and all the bad bits.

I am happy most of the time now and very rarely more than sad. I haven't cried for a few years. Despite being very lonely sometimes, I am still happy to be here and feel the little joys, as well as the little pains of life.

I can only hope that you will find your way without taking the "easy" way out, I really do. (I know it's not easy at all or it wouldn't be so drastic - one has to take a lot of abuse in order for it to appear like a valid step to be taken.)

Best regards.

shawn said...

I am so sorry that you have been hurt both physical and mental by others. I read your blog for Christmas and it makes me sad that people can't be excepted in this world for who they are. It doesn't matter to me, I except people for who they are. I except you for the person you are.

Sieng Chong Ling said...

Wishing you better days ahead and continue to be strong.

Sieng Chong Ling said...

I wish you ENOUGH for the new year 2012.

May you have:

enough joy in your heart to share with others
enough peace to keep you sane and contented
enough kindness to help other people who really need help
enough confidence in yourself
enough courage to take on bigger tasks this year
enough strength when you are face with various onstacles
enough persistence to overcome your problems
enough good friends to share and have good time with
enough gratitude to be thankful with all you have
enough space to talk and listen to God
enough time to keep in touch with your family and friends
enough time to look within yourself and reflect
enough wisdom to know what is important and prioritize
enough wisdom to do what is right
I wish you 'ENOUGH'.