Sunday, 4 December 2011

Chronic Stress Makes Me Wish I Was Dead

Recently I have been saying that I would soon do another video log, but I fear it'll have to wait. I'm still far too emotionally unstable at this point. This morning I once again couldn't stop crying shortly after waking up, and ended up trying to strangle myself again. I only blacked out for a moment as a result, and have a sore throat as well. It wasn't me who did this, but one of the monsters which lurk inside my head. I'm under too much stress at this point to hold them back. I have also written before about how it has been shown that emotional and physical pain mean the same thing to the brain [1].

The legal gender change request has been received by the courthouse in Almelo but nothing has been done with it. This a week after they received it. I hope the judge looks at it next week.

I haven't heard back from my other lawyer regarding the lawsuit yet. I have no idea what is happening there and how long it may take before the lawsuit is approved. I need this lawsuit to validate and put to use the past seven years of torture. Without it I'll have suffered pretty much for nothing as the Dutch hospitals can continue their maltreatment of intersex but also transsexual people.

I got offered a job in Germany earlier this week. Moving to another country is a stressful thing no matter what, and though I'm glad that I might be leaving the Netherlands for good within a couple of months, I'm worried about whether I'll like the new job and the environment there. I'm also worried about combining it with all those legal cases.

This week I'll probably be starting another lawsuit, this one against my insurance company for not granting me full coverage on electrolysis therapy. They have been pushing me around on this issue for months, resulting in me submitting the request four times and every time receiving conflicting feedback from them about whether a request has been denied or not, the reasons, whether additional information I have sent them has been received, etc. I feel I should get the coverage because my situation in this area is technically the same as for transsexuals and they do get full coverage.

To top it off, my dentist office is acting really weird. This year they have repeatedly promised to call me back later when I call for an appointment yet they never do. Tomorrow I'll go there in person and ask them what is going on.

I do not wish to be dramatic. I do not wish to make things look larger than they are. I do not wish to do anything that is morally or otherwise wrong. I do not wish to hurt myself.

I want to live and keep trying to find ways to do so, but if it's through a haze of pain, living is a bloody hard thing to do. One can only ignore the increasing pain for so long before giving into it.


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