Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Laughing Out Loud, While I'm Crying Inside

Quick news updates: I got an email from my lawyer regarding the lawsuit, it's taking a while because she had to work through the massive file, and her medical adviser now has to work through the same file, while trying to find specialists who can advise but whom are not involved with the hospitals mentioned in my file. This means that no one associated with the VUMC, UMCG, Erasmus or AMC hospitals can advice, or simply put most of the major hospitals in the Netherlands. I'm supposed to get feedback from my lawyer on what the medical adviser decides during early January next year. I'm still waiting for updates on the legal gender change from my other lawyer.

I had an article on social networks published at Media Tapper [1], recorded the SociologG+ video I put on my blog a few days ago, and tomorrow I have an interview on Sarah Hill's show about my story, which gets broadcast locally in Missouri and also via Google+ and other places.

I also applied at Nokia a while ago, as a Technical Writer for the Qt framework. Yesterday I had my first interview for it and it went quite well. Got two more interviews coming up, first another one by phone, then one in-person. If everything goes well I could have said job by February next year and be moving to Oslo, Norway.

I'm having major issues with my right knee at the moment, with severe swelling and numbness only kept in check with regular icing and 1,800 mg of ibuprofen a day. I initially got an appointment with a specialist for it on February 6th, but got it changed to December 30th. Before it I'll have an X-ray. I'll probably need an MRI scan and possibly surgery depending on the results. A cracked meniscus seems quite likely, with the police beating in May this year the likely cause.

Moving on, things seem to be moving in the right direction, yet I can't seem to shake off this crushing feeling of unease. When sitting in a Google+ Hangout (video chat in a group), I often notice myself laughing out loud and acting normal, yet it's like I'm watching someone else. I don't feel happy inside, or 'normal'. It's as though I'm two people: an inside and an outside one. The inside one tries to show itself, but it's hard to do.

The inside person is the PTSD, the DID, the other traumas. It cries and feels miserable. It longs and is denied. Sometimes things invert and the inside person becomes the outside person, which is when everyone can see it. It's however a horrible and terrifying thing. I can not possibly face what has happened to me and what is still happening. It's too big, too major, too terrifying, too incomprehensible. Just touching the frayed, shadowy edges of this terrible blob inside makes me so scared that death seems preferable to confronting it.

I hope that through telling my story via the media, like what Sarah Hill is allowing me to do tomorrow, I can finally deal with those traumas, and cause positive things to happen for both me and others.



No comments: