After the recent ruling in my favour on having my legal gender changed people seem to assume that I'll be happy now, with all of my goals reached, and nothing left to seriously trouble me. I'm really not sure why people would think such a thing.
Seven years of fighting against hospitals with the preceding years being extremely uncomfortable and confusing as well. The impact of it on one's life goes far beyond the need for legal recognition and such matters, which in the end are mostly just abstract things. The impact on my life which is mostly being ignored is that of never really having engaged in social contacts and the subsequent lack of friends, and above all the lack of a career with the resulting lack of financial resources.
The past days it's becoming more and more painfully clear to me that if I do not find a source of income soon, my life will turn into a far worse hell than ever before. Bankruptcy, the dissolving of my company, applying for welfare, being forced to apply for any job I somewhat qualify for while scraping by each month financially. The Dutch welfare system has been less than stellar for many years already and is being cut back even more this year. While it's a horrible situation to end up in for the average person, I fear that the emotional impact due to my existing traumas will trigger the worst kind of response in me, namely suicide. I'd no longer be able to deny that my life has completely failed.
I have been taking steps back in my life for years now. Financially, socially, in my surroundings (living in the Dutch bible belt now...), in the years still ahead of me which I might be able to spend living. It'd be the ultimate admission of failure.
I have tried my best to stave off bankruptcy, but beyond desperately trying to run my own company I have no other means of earning money. 'Equal opportunity' is a heap of excrement when it comes to reality. Equal opportunity companies like Microsoft and Google only extend equality across 'boring' employees. Why do they hire transsexuals and the occasional intersex person? Because they do not make a fuss, and do not have a background story like I have. They're invisible. I'm too risky, too unknown. Regardless of how much of a brilliant software developer I may be, no one will ever hire me. I have tried applying at dozens of jobs in a number of countries, but now I know that there's no point in ever trying again.
At this point I'm still trying to release products which may actually get me some money, including the donation route via an open source project like my WildFox browser (www.mayaposch.com/wildfox.php). Yet the truth of the matter is that in the short time span allotted all I can make are sub-par programs which nobody will spend money on. I do not have the time left to produce that amazing product everybody will want to buy or donate for.
Since 2010 my best friend Trevor and I have been working on a game engine and a first game called TileWars. It's nearing the final stages of completion, yet it will still take at least a month to get it into a playable state. It looks good, has to be fun to play and I hope it'll sell a lot of copies. Yet I have to look at my bank account's current state and realize that while in the past I have somehow managed to survive financially, it seems very unlikely to work out now. People obviously aren't donating to the browser project, the few Android applications (www.nyanko.ws/games.php) I put online aren't selling at all, and my insurance company still refuses to pay back the about five-thousand Euro they still owe me.
I do not wish to admit defeat, but at some point even stubbornness isn't going to do it. Fighting against the suicidal moods I'm dealing with at this point is like trying to keep my head above the water's surface of an ocean while all my muscles are cramped up. So much easier to just let go.
Above all I hate being depressed like this. I hate the self-mutilation. I hate the pain. Yet I'm fighting an impossible battle here. Give me a break already...