Chasing Through The Same Nightmare Again

After this week's attempt to find a house to rent in Germany and me sinking into a depression by the end of the same day, I figured that by today I was over the worst of that negative mood. Until someone started talking earlier about being so happy to move into her new place and triggering something ugly inside of me. Now my head is bruised again and my hands hurt. Beating out the monster that threatens to swallow me, I guess. Even right now I feel still very restless and highly agitated. I'd rather just cry, curl up somewhere quiet and die. Rather than to type all this. Rather than to wade through the horrible pain again as I continue my attempts to find that place to rent.

Part of the frustration and agitation I experience is due to the conflicting information I get from people. Such as one person informing me that he asked around and telling me that there's no way I can get anything for around 800 Euro in the Karlsruhe area. Then to find many options which do qualify. Having to explain to otherwise very helpful people that I'm not looking for an apartment because I do not wish to have people living above or below me. The constant noises from people moving about, talking, watching TV, vacuuming, taking a shower, going to the toilet, etc. agitate me and make it hard for me to get a good night's rest.

I did get a few reasonable options this week. What I am looking for is something between the nearly perfect house I saw in a quite remote area. Nicely wooded garden, standalone and for far less than 800 Euro a month. Only disadvantages being so remote with no central heating and likely poor internet access as well as no easy access to public transport. The other options I got were in cities, still for a similar price, but of course without much of a garden and some of them quite... cozy inside.

Ideally I'd like to find something a bit more in between these two sets of options. Still slightly remote, but still within the reach of civilization. It should actually help to keep the price down. Worst case I'll have to settle for something temporary as fortunately Germany doesn't know forced 1-year contracts for a rental house, so I'd just have to spend about 3 months there. Whoever I rent it from won't be very happy with that, of course. I'd rather not be moving more than once either. This is the 9th or 10th time already for me since 2003. I'm beyond sick of moving.

This month I'll have to find something to rent. Next month is the last full month I should have at the place where I'm currently staying. After that I'll have a major problem. As I can not count on others to provide me with the perfect options, I have no choice but to ignore the swirling darkness inside my head and do my best to sort through the available options this month, regardless of the emotional instability this will cause. It can't be worse than exposing myself to the horrors of the Dutch medical system, I guess. *laughs bitterly*

I guess that the 'living happily ever after' part will have to wait until some time next year at the earliest.


Maya