Yesterday I had another especially bad PTSD episode. It's hard to point to something specific which triggered it, though I suspect that one of the main triggers probably was the decision by a US hardware forum I frequent to add a sub-forum to its off-topic section in which 'everything goes'. This mostly meant posting pornographic material, the viewing of which is a very significant PTSD trigger. I wasn't kidding in previous blog posts when I said that I loathe sexuality. It's a major cause of my traumatic disorders.
While the exact experiencing of PTSD is different for everyone, and largely depends on the types of experiences which underlie the disorder, it can in general terms be described as the playing back of the sensations, thoughts, feelings and visuals of those events in a continuous. It basically disconnects the individual experiencing it from reality, with the traumatic recollections taking over. Feelings of fear, panic, anger, rage, frustration and such negative emotions play a major role. There is no clear way for the conscious mind to interject or interfere in this process. It just continuous, like a migraine attack.
For me the recollections of uncertainty, humiliations, the tearing away of emotional and physical safeties and comforts, as well as the slow loss of contact between one's mind and body play a major role. I feel unsafe, hunted, hated, disgusted with humans while feeling powerless anger towards humanity in general. I feel isolated, lonely, unimportant, kept away from things. Ridiculed. I know for a fact that there's no future for me, that suffering is all that is intended for me by humanity. By my environment. That trying to find a safe place or a home is ridiculous. All of this together with the countless recollections of the past decades including my youth and teenage years just keep spinning through my head. It never stops.
I can't run. I can't escape. There's no way I can free myself of this. I'm doomed. I'll always be the laughingstock for others. I was the shy, bumbling kid at school nobody wanted to be friends with. After that it just got worse. I do not feel human any more. And yet it's what I'm supposed to be.
I want to end this existence. It's for the best. There's no future. There can't be. Three decades have to prove as much. I'll happily end this. My way. Just offer me the method and I'll gladly accept it. I'll finally be free of this facade. This mockery of an existence.
And then the pain subsides slowly after hours... or days. I'll see the things again I do wish to live for. I don't see the leering, mocking, hate-filled faces any more. I cease to have to keep myself from mutilating this body which I HATE during a PTSD episode. I stop actively seeking to commit suicide, even if it remains there as a comforting silken voice in the back of my mind. The one thing nobody can take away from me, after everything else has already been stolen from me. The sanctity of my mind and body are gone. Raped and humiliated in a filthy back alley. Everything tangible I owned is gone, destroyed by psychopaths and the like.
It's not much to own, but ironically it's the only thing I possess which has never been defiled or taken away from me. That alone makes it something precious to me. It helps to offset the regular mental pain I feel outside PTSD episodes.
Talking about pain... the physical pain I have been feeling for over a year now in the lower abdominal/groin region keeps getting worse. Since a few days it's taking on new forms. Now a severe, burning and numbing pain has formed in the area between my lower abdomen and right leg. Pressing gently in that area results in often unbearable pain. It radiates out into the leg, often numbing it to the point where I'm having trouble walking.
I won't be seeking any medical help for it, however. Not while I'm in the Netherlands at least. I can not link these symptoms with anything significant or potentially lethal, removing the urgency. There's also that I do not, will not and never will trust Dutch physicians ever again. Not until I have moved into that home in Germany can I even begin to consider such things. My PTSD will not allow it any other way.
I only have to listen and obey.
I do hope I find a house soon...