As I went to bed last night I thought I felt relatively relaxed, yet after I finished reading a few more chapters in my current book (Discworld series, FYI) and turned off the light, uneasy thoughts began to swirl through my mind. From worries and fears regarding finding a place to live in Germany to possessions lost and the fear induced by the psychopathic former housemate, to uncertainty and worries about the ruling by the medical disciplinary commission this week. After a few minutes of this my heart was pounding in my chest and I was feeling restless and uneasy.
Turning onto my back I just felt like crying from exhaustion. It still didn't feel fair that I'd have to go through all this, and I still can not think of any reason why I should go through it. All of these struggles, having to prove myself over and over again, facing ridicule and scepticism over and over again. Not being able to ever get a decent night's sleep has got to be one of the worst parts of it. This night, too, I'd keep drifting in and out of consciousness, experiencing nightmare after nightmare.
This morning I awoke, feeling mostly numb. I'll have to get through this all again somehow. Yet not today, it appeared. Logging onto the company IRC I found that the colleague who I needed to talk to about about any updates on this one house she is liaising for me was sick and absent today. The rest of the day I'd thus spend working as well as possible. I still have the cold bothering me, but I reckon that the general feeling of exhaustion due to constantly feeling stressed is worse than any cold.
Tomorrow I'll be heading to a local beauty salon for what should be one of the last times that I'll undergo the hair-removal therapy in the Netherlands, if not the very last time. Related to it, I'm having a public hearing at the College voor de Rechten van de Mens (Human Rights Institute)  on November the 25th, regarding the discrimination of my insurance company - Unive - for refusing to cover this hair-removal therapy due to them not recognizing the similarities between a transgender and intersex person in this case and therefore refusing to fully cover the therapy.
The week after it I'm having an appointment with my publisher, to discuss the details of my first to-be-published book. The week after that I hope to be moving to Germany. Assuming I can get this one house I mentioned earlier, I'd still have to bridge a few months until I can actually move into it. Some temporary solution will be needed regardless, it seems. It'd be so much easier if I could just move to Germany in that week regardless of further details and take care of matters from there. Whether that means staying at someone else's place, temporarily renting something (expensive and not entirely practical) or some other solution, it would mean that I can at least have an official place of residence again and thus finalize matters with the Dutch tax office, my health insurance company (due to changing countries) and others. I'd also be able to go ahead with visiting this German surgeon to hopefully arrange the surgery.
Again, I'm left completely out of my league there and wouldn't know where to start, especially not with only a brief three weeks left.
And thus the restless nights continue.