Today I received two items from my personal damages lawyer's office: one massive parcel containing my medical archive as I had lost part of it when the psycho ex-housemate destroyed it along with most of my belongings. The other was an email with the PDF attachments of the rulings of the medical disciplinary commission on each of the four physicians and psychologists. The medical archive is filled by report after report by Dutch medical specialists and the like on why I can not be intersex and why I'm actually an oddly behaving transgender. It also contains the German reports containing the conclusive reports by three independent German medical teams that I am in fact intersex, based on a variety of examinations and a surgery. It shows the clear madness of the past nine years during which I have searched for my identity.
The ruling by the medical disciplinary commission is the final evidence I needed that I have made a capital mistake in not abandoning the search for help from the Dutch side sooner. In every of the four cases they have rejected all of the points on which those four individuals of the VUmc gender team could have been punished. This leaves me with virtually no further recourse in the Netherlands, legally speaking. Appealing this decision is quite futile, as the central disciplinary commission in Utrecht is unlikely to change this ruling. This means no acknowledgement that Dutch physicians were wrong on any point during my treatment the past nine years. It also means no compensation, financially or otherwise.
I'm not even angry at this point any more. It is what I more or less expected. All physicians in the Netherlands so far have covered each other, blindly repeating the same lies and attempting to complete the brainwashing of me. It should come as no surprise that this medical commission would do the same. That the German medical world and the Dutch justice system disagreed with their assessment couldn't phase them in the slightest. I have no idea why they had to lie to me for those nine years and hurt me in so many ways, not in the least by wasting nearly a decade of my life on something so ultimately futile and pointless.
Next month I'll be moving to Germany. There I will go to this surgeon who has seen my medical file, agreed to the previous conclusions on the MRI scans as well as the exploratory surgery and will hopefully be performing the reconstructive surgery on my female side as soon as early next year. With that I'll have the medical side of my search finished, leaving me as a virtually perfect natural hermaphrodite. For the first time in my life I could allow myself to feel happy. It's such a stark contrast with how things were and are in the Netherlands.
Let hereby the lie that the Netherlands is in any way progressive or tolerant be shattered for eternity. Any country where the medical profession is so ignorant and the political system so apathetic when it comes to issues like these doesn't deserve any of these labels. All it takes for me to see how things should be done is to look just over the border in Germany where since 2007 I have had only positive and useful experiences with German physicians and surgeons. Where in the Netherlands I got treated as... a number? A freak? An annoyance? What exactly? In Germany I got treated consistently as a human being, with all of my questions and worries answered and eased.
I still feel like an idiot for not realizing sooner that the Netherlands as a country and institution is hell incarnate for anyone who isn't 'normal' by the sickeningly narrow definitions employed by its elite. With less than a month to go until I bid farewell to the Netherlands I can honestly say that nothing would cheer me up more at this point than to be able to swap my Dutch passport for a German one. I'm ashamed and humiliated that I'm still able to call myself a Dutch citizen.
I wasn't born into the wrong body, I was simply born into the wrong country.