The previous times that I wrote on my blog on January 1st I would reflect on the preceding year and my outlook on the next one. I would generally express my dismay at having not progressed much if at all in the year and portray a state of depression and a lack of motivation to continue. This time around things are different, if not as significantly as one might have expected.
True, I did finally get the job and income I was hoping for to pull me out of a state of financial despair, plus I was able to make the decision to leave the Netherlands for good and carry it out with the help from my colleagues. I also got my ten minutes of fame on the biggest talk show of the Netherlands. But the way I see it, those are things which simply had to happen, much like how a river flows from a high to a lower point. It is this year, here in Germany, that the next and hopefully final struggle begins.
Not only does this include finding a home and integrating into German society, but also the final stages of the medical part of my story. Maybe as soon as this month I'll already be heading to this German surgeon for an appointment, once again facing all my daemons and terrors. It's something I shouldn't even have to think about on whether it's necessary or not. I have had nine years to think through every single part of what I do and don't want or need. At this point I just have to follow this river's path downwards and see where it leads. Even if part of me is convinced that I will only face bitter disappointment, I still have to do it. There is only stagnation and emotional turmoil otherwise.
It's best to face your terrors and deal with the repercussions than it is to keep running away from them. I don't think I have ever truly done so, and I don't intend to start with it any time soon. It is for this reason that upon encountering people with issues I can help resolve I cannot help but feeling obligated to help those people too. Such a thing happened recently to me, and I intend to carry it through for as far as I can. It's always easier to face one's terrors with someone you trust at your side. It is my belief that by helping others in such a fashion, they in turn will end up helping me, thus making everyone better.
At the moment I'm working on tweaking the second and third chapters of my autobiography, as I intend to send these first three chapter to my publisher later today as the requested sample chapters. Writing these chapters is tough work, digging deep into my memories and emotional side. It has sadly reminded me how little of my youth was in any way carefree or happy. Maybe I had just wanted to forget the negative events, preferring to mask them away in favour of some almost idyllic recollection of a youth which never existed.
Maybe in some ways the next chapters about my high school period and my struggles with the Dutch medical system will be easier to write, as those have always kept playing through my mind, with few memories there being a hidden, unpleasant surprise. We will see. I will first have to await the response from my publisher on the sample chapters before I'll proceed anyway.
It'll be another tough, but hopefully rewarding year.