Friday, 3 April 2015

How to kill one's body and not die

I don't know what to do with this body of mine. There doesn't appear to be anything I can do about it. Even if there are medical complications related to my intersex condition, then it'll just get ignored and waved away like everything else about it for the past decade. The possibility of getting reconstructive surgery is non-existing. I also don't know what this body even is.

Though female in basic appearance, in terms of genitals it's just a freakin' mess, with me having absolutely no clear idea of what exists/doesn't exist, or how to define anything. Without any further examinations/surgery I won't learn any answers either. It's a complete dead-end.

Starting this year, for weeks on end every month my abdomen now also swell up grotesquely, accompanied by various types of pains. Whatever feminine figure I had there is destroyed as well. I have to go to see a doctor about it, but I know they'll just ignore any complaints. Even though every month the pains get worse and I fear that there's only one possible outcome.

If I could I'd destroy this body. Annihilate every trace of it. Maybe get a normal body. Just a plain female body. I'll gladly take whatever issues come with it as they cannot possibly compare to what I go through with this current body of mine on a daily basis.

I will have to force myself to make an appointment with my gynaecologist this month. He'll surely be dismissive and just tell me to stop using the pill or something like he did before, even if it reduces the monthly symptoms significantly. There won't be any real examinations or tests.

Yet I will have to try it. One more time.

Then I can destroy this body. Forever.

And live to tell it.

Am I going crazy?

Maybe? I don't know. After living so long with a body I don't understand, then to suffer the incompetence, ignorance, abuse and hatred from physicians for a decade... there is just pain. Stress. Frustration.

I can't live with this body. I need to know what's wrong with it. I need that surgery. So that I can live.

Yet no physician allows me to live.

They all want me to die.

...

I don't want to die...

Please help me?

...

If I'm alone... I'll die...

Don't leave me alone...


Maya

7 comments:

James Garry said...

Golly.
It does sound as though there's a long-standing refusal by the doctors you have seen to perform a proper non-invasive investigation of What the Hell is Going On.

Are you able to access; ultrasound/MRI/endocrinology without recourse to conventional referrals?

Just getting a handle on the physical side will be a first step.

I know a lady who had rampant weirdness going on (three major surgeries, pre-cancerous cysts everywhere) for about thirty years, and who is now finally ovary-and-uterus free. And is much happier as a result.

She basically got her life back - even though there are no guarantees. But you take each day as it comes.

Surgery can fix a lot of things - but a proper diagnosis comes first. And that means non-invasive means first.

However, I see that there are some real barriers there ("sheer terror I feel at trying to obtain help from a physician of any type") - what's the situation like with respect to pre-operative therapies? I'm in Canada - and the lady I was referring to had follow-up sessions with a therapist that helped with her emotions a great deal...

In short, you're young. And I'm saddened that you've had little support from the medical community where you are - but there surely is a route to a better situation.

"And this is why I need to have these answers about my body. It's why I need this reconstructive surgery. "

Yep - if the bits don't add to your life, then it's your right to do away with them. The lady I referred to had a kindly old surgeon (25 yrs ago) insist on her keeping one ovary. Well, 25 years later it ballooned and was a hairs-breadth away from becoming a ravaging monster.

If in doubt, cut it out.
(I may be a Doc, but I'm not a medical Doctor - maybe just as well!)

Rambling a bit now.
In short, there are always options.
Thought about a little holiday to a more accommodating country to get things fixed?

Be well

JG

admin said...

I'm intrigued by your honest way of writing... are you still working on that autobiography?

Maya Posch said...

@James Garry: the first, major hurdle I have is getting a physician to believe that I'm not crazy and that I do indeed have a (medical) problem.

The past months the monthly symptoms have become significantly worse, though, so that might no longer be a problem. I'll be making an appointment with my gynaecologist for this or next week and see how it goes from there.

As for getting medical help in another country, if only that were possible. Let's just say that a lot of things have been tried by me and others over the past decade that I have been at this, and the answer has always been staunch refusal or dismissal, sometimes rudely so.

That's not to say that I wouldn't be prepared to go for any real, tangible solution being offered. Just that I am long since past the 'pie in the sky' hoping for the goodness of mankind and all that awesome nonsense.


@admin: yes, I am still working on that autobiography. It got delayed a bit due to personal issues (ironic, I guess), but I should be back to finishing it later this year.

admin said...

Somehow my name changed to 'admin'. Anyway, I'm Mirjam (Nederlands, maar als ik Engels lees, schakel ik al snel over) - and thanks for letting me know :)

Cypher Energy Efficiency said...

Hello Maya,
Let me know where I can get your autobiography to peruse.Of course if not completed then note my interest in reading about your incredible life journey,discovery.
Yours Truly
Ronaldo Belle Isle

Maya Posch said...

Hi Ronaldo,

My autobiography is not out yet, no. I'm currently still working towards one final surgery after which I can hopefully write the last chapters and have it published. That'll probably be at some point next year.

Thanks for your interest :)


Maya

Cypher Energy Efficiency said...

Thank you Maya.
Best wishes for your surgery and l my expressed genuine interest in following your amazing strength and journey.
Your admirer
Ronaldo