I don't know what to do with this body of mine. There doesn't appear to be anything I can do about it. Even if there are medical complications related to my intersex condition, then it'll just get ignored and waved away like everything else about it for the past decade. The possibility of getting reconstructive surgery is non-existing. I also don't know what this body even is.
Though female in basic appearance, in terms of genitals it's just a freakin' mess, with me having absolutely no clear idea of what exists/doesn't exist, or how to define anything. Without any further examinations/surgery I won't learn any answers either. It's a complete dead-end.
Starting this year, for weeks on end every month my abdomen now also swell up grotesquely, accompanied by various types of pains. Whatever feminine figure I had there is destroyed as well. I have to go to see a doctor about it, but I know they'll just ignore any complaints. Even though every month the pains get worse and I fear that there's only one possible outcome.
If I could I'd destroy this body. Annihilate every trace of it. Maybe get a normal body. Just a plain female body. I'll gladly take whatever issues come with it as they cannot possibly compare to what I go through with this current body of mine on a daily basis.
I will have to force myself to make an appointment with my gynaecologist this month. He'll surely be dismissive and just tell me to stop using the pill or something like he did before, even if it reduces the monthly symptoms significantly. There won't be any real examinations or tests.
Yet I will have to try it. One more time.
Then I can destroy this body. Forever.
And live to tell it.
Am I going crazy?
Maybe? I don't know. After living so long with a body I don't understand, then to suffer the incompetence, ignorance, abuse and hatred from physicians for a decade... there is just pain. Stress. Frustration.
I can't live with this body. I need to know what's wrong with it. I need that surgery. So that I can live.
Yet no physician allows me to live.
They all want me to die.
I don't want to die...
Please help me?
If I'm alone... I'll die...
Don't leave me alone...