Saturday, 18 April 2015

Striking a balance between suicidal depression and cheerful optimism

You probably are thinking right now that you've read something like this before already, not too long ago. You would be right in this assessment, for little has changed to warrant a difference. You're still living two lives, so diametrically opposed to each other that they couldn't be more dissimilar.

One of these lives has you working on a successful career as a software engineer, with ambitions to move into electronics and related fields. The other has you crying at night, until your own hands attempt to choke the life out of you on their own accord, only to fail and have you cry yourself to sleep over your own failure as a human being.

It's clear which one of these lives is real and which one isn't. Obviously you are an engineer, with an inquisitive mind and an insatiable appetite for learning. The other 'you' is merely the fragmented remains of what happens when one's emotional side collides with an obstacle it cannot work around, such as society.

All it takes is a reminder that you have a freakish body so unlike that of those around you, and that doctors and psychologists have and still knowingly and willingly torture and deny help because of it. Your mind may be part of normal society, but your body is most definitely not. That's why every reminder of this, of your intersex condition - or should I say, disorder? - sends you spiralling back into that other 'you', where you claw at your cursed skin with your nails as you cry in agony while only wishing for sweet death to finally claim you.

One of these lives has a future, one doesn't. The one which has a future will die with the one which doesn't.

Now, how do we resolve this little conundrum? I'm waiting...


No comments: