Tuesday, 7 July 2015

A thunderstorm to illustrate my current situation

As I type this it's been rumbling outside for a while now, without much rain to show for it. Meanwhile temperatures remain high, making it abundantly clear that we're dealing with summer here.

Today has been a weird and somewhat unpleasant day. First there was me spending only the morning at the office, as I really wasn't feeling so well. Taking the day off early, I went home, tried to eat something and took a three-hour nap, waking up half-way through covered in sweat and feeling like I had just gone through something really unpleasant. Worse, upon arriving home I began to feel this strange tightness in my upper chest, which makes breathing difficult and painful. Even after the nap it's not gone.

I think it's just a result of anxiety. Today I was waiting for my gynaecologist's office to get back to me on the examination results which my gynaecologist had said he'd be sending to my family doctor. Everything there is hanging on him sending these results. To me it's just a confirmation that all physicians dislike or simply do not care about me. Also that I will not get medical help this year either. I may have to call the gynaecologist's office tomorrow.

Moments ago an ambulance and emergency doctor's vehicle arrived in my street, apparently for a situation at the next-door apartment block. It's always somewhat surreal to see such a situation develop. Seeing it brings back mostly unpleasant memories for me.

Staring at this situation outside I heard the upstairs neighbour stumbling about again. It occurred to me that this coming winter I'd have to deal with not just that noise, but also from the heating system. Maybe it's just that I'm feeling really tired, but I felt panicked at this thought. Even suicidal. As in, please rescue me from this place and get me to somewhere where I don't get constantly startled and have my anxiety levels maxed out every waking moment.

I'll have to see how I feel come tomorrow. The pain and pressure on my chest is still there, and I feel nauseous, as though I'm on the verge of throwing up.

Maybe it'll start raining properly soon...


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