Wednesday, 15 July 2015

On being a weak strong person

There are many times when I have to question the concept of a 'strong' person, in the sense of being strong-willed and capable of enduring situations which will bring down most. To me it seems more that it's a matter of being better of suppressing trauma and its many unpleasant side-effects.

It's every time that stress, triggers or a combination of these erode this ability to simply suppress everything that's unpleasant and negative that one truly realize just how incredibly weak one has become. It doesn't make a lick of sense to me that I'm trying to injure myself with my fists or any item that's within reach. It isn't rational to imagine me crushing my own skull with my own hands or to otherwise terminate my existence in one final, definitive act. This whole urge to simply self-destruct is a weakness. It's a threat. It makes me into a weak person.

Am I then a strong person for resisting this weakness so long? Or am I a strong person for resisting attempts at brainwashing, as well as other attempts at making me believe I am something which I am not? For having the strength to persevere when all one receives is criticism, abuse, rejection and ridicule?

I honestly wish that I didn't have to keep trying to keep a firm grasp on the truth as I know it. Even as the medical world around me ever so slowly inches towards accepting me as an actual hermaphrodite and grudgingly admits that maybe seeing a surgeon about reconstructive surgery could conceivably be an avenue worth exploring, the one thing which I find myself craving for the most is to feel like I'm actually being treated as a human being.

Yesterday I contacted my current gynaecologist's office about the results which he was supposed to have sent to my family doctor. I was informed that he had not even written his findings, but he would do it the same day. I will see whether he does so this week, but I have already decided that there's no point to ever returning to this gynaecologist, for the simple reason that he has never truly shown that he believes or trusts me. During the last appointment I had the clear feeling that he just wanted to be rid of me as soon as possible and seemed rather uncomfortable during the entire appointment. His response to the radiologist's confirmation of me being an actual hermaphrodite was met by surprise, further revealing his true thoughts about my medical situation.

My family doctor also asked me recently whether I had made progress with this psychologist I was supposed to have an appointment with. I think I'll just leave the answer to that question until she asks me again during a next meeting. It's not so easy to explain to someone without any actual experience with the events which led to my current traumas why talking with someone who is similarly inexperienced is rather pointless. When I look at those people I call friends, I can state without any shred of doubt that they understand my situation sufficiently that I do ever have to explain myself. That's why they're my friends I guess.

When one then talks to a psychologist who has no clear reference for these traumatic events, you just end up trying to explain why these events were traumatic to begin with, which is a rather futile task. Very few psychologists have ever seen or talked with an intersex person, let alone handled a case like mine. To them it's like a whole different world, much like how their point of view is so completely alien to myself. After countless experiences with psychologists and psychiatrists, I can frankly say that with very few exceptions, they should stick to dealing with more mundane issues as they can do much more good there.

What I do worry about there is that by rejecting psychological help from a 'professional' like that, I again get labelled a 'rebel', 'difficult' and possibly even reinforcing the idea by some that I'm just looking for confirmation for something I wish to believe in. Similarly with this whole switching to another gynaecologist. So I don't like what a specialist says, so I will just keep trying others until I can find one who is fine with just repeating these delusions I wish to so dearly believe in.

The ironic thing of course is that it's just what these people wish to believe in, meaning that my actual excuse of just trying to find capable, sympathetic specialists for something which ultimately is still a very intimate and personal issue, simply doesn't register for them. It's always possible to twist and distort interpretations until it fits one's expectations. It's a weakness I have had to deal with a lot over the past decade as well, becoming very evident in my severe lack of self-esteem and self-worth.

Do I actually believe that I'm a hermaphrodite? Rationally, sure. Emotionally? I'm just confused and traumatised as hell, without any clue to what is actually going on. Hence my emotional side trying to destroy itself through self-mutilation and suicide. I cannot do much about that beyond simply not giving up on this decades-long path which should hopefully lead me to answers and salvation, instead of the certain doom which others have predicted for me on this course. Something which part of me is convinced of as well.

Being foolhardy and desperate can be assets, I guess.


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