Monday, 20 July 2015

The hardest thing for me is to admit to being sick

Many years ago when I was still a child, being sick was almost something to look forward to. Not only did you not have to go to school while sick, but you got to spend all day lying in bed or on the couch, watching television, playing games and reading books. This all made it very easy to ignore the parts involving recycling one's last meals into a bucket and such unpleasantness. It was all basically just a special kind of holiday.

Nowadays I kind of wish that things were that easy. After spending the whole day at home after calling in sick at work this morning, I found myself drifting between my bed for frequent naps and reading, and my computer to entertain myself with videos, as well as to not be wholly off-line today. My general sensation today was just one of feeling miserable, with an incessant headache, feeling of malaise while also feeling too restless to properly nap.

My mind just kept churning through past, current and upcoming events, as well as happenings at work, with my own medical situation and what not. Then when I almost fell asleep a few times, the neighbour upstairs would start dropping things on the floor or something, loud enough to jar me back to full awareness despite even the precaution of wearing earplugs. Nothing is as fun as feeling sick, exhausted and being kept awake with environmental noises.

No, being sick was more fun as a child. Everyone was told to be quiet around you while you were sick and you'd get every opportunity to rest and sleep. The worst feelings I remember from being sick were those after throwing up and those of being bored after spending a few days like that in bed or on the couch. Not having to take care of your own food and such while sick was much better as well.

Last week I first began to realize that I wasn't feel so well. Nearly keeling over after one meeting due to a severe wave of dizziness was one hint. Feeling exhausted and sick like a dog on Thursday and Friday was another. On Saturday my body practically shut down as I spent most of the day drifting in and out of sleep. Sunday was much the same. Today I finally gave in and called in sick at work.

Yet already I can feel my many responsibilities, worries and duties tugging at me. I do not know how long I should be resting until I am 'fine' again, because I do not remember any more what this feels like. Just trudging through every day in a stressed and exhausted state seems to be the new normal. Only when my body and/or mind starts shutting down is it truly time to take a breather. For a day or so.

Still too much left to be done, and too much to agonize and worry about...


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