The past is a most profound thing, almost like a living, breathing entity onto itself. Even though it does no longer technically exist except perhaps theoretically through some undiscovered mechanisms, it nevertheless continues to be as real as life itself to any being that exists.
This can be a source of great elation, when someone recalls a most pleasant and joyful memory, or the source of great sadness, such as when a painful loss is recalled. Regardless of the kind of memory it is of great importance that the separation between the past, present and future remains. If it this separation fades, and the past begins to sully the present and with it the future, it can erase the latter completely.
Over the past years I have had to defend my decision to keep searching for medical answers to the many questions about my body. Not just occasionally, and not just from others either, as it's a question I still ask myself on many occasions. I did not choose to subject myself to such intense suffering at the hands of the West's finest so-called medical professionals, after all.
Last year I thought that I could ignore it and focus on just living my life. Yet as with other of such attempts my body had to spoil this with new and intensified symptoms. How can I just ignore the appearance of pigmentation lines and other symptoms which only pregnant women are supposed to have? Could I just ignore any hormonal issues and any possibly related physical issues and complications?
Once again, the present reality forced my hand. Now, nearly a year after I renewed my search for answers I find that I have had to mostly confront the same terrors from my past, in the form of uncooperative, lying and deceitful medical professionals, as well as the same fears, uncertainties and doubt about this body of mine. To me it feels like spinning in circles and reliving the same nightmares of my horrid past over and over again.
Sadly, it appears that the past will not allow me to move on, to focus on the future instead of the past. Neither does the present, as only through the wilful ignoring of pain and unpleasantness via the drowning out of reality can I still function somewhat. This does not take away from the fact, however, that for all intents and purposes I do not just have a medical problem, but am also suffering from physician-induced mental conditions.
The post-traumatic stress disorder which I received courtesy of the decade-long (and continuing) torture at the hands of psychologists and medical professionals makes itself most apparent by making it impossible for me to keep the past and present separated. When a single spoken or written word, a gesture, event or image suffices to have the horrors of the past come rushing back into the present, there simply is no escape. There is just the past: in the past, present and future, all blurred together in a haze of suffering.
I noticed this yesterday once again, when I was confronted with such triggers, mostly related to relationships and sexuality. I managed to stay away from the worst of it, but last night my dreams were filled again with nightmarish scenes involving such topics, as well as many others. Much of it was filled in using memories, so that upon waking up I was able to reminisce on the finer details of traumatic events I hadn't recalled so clearly in a long time.
Such memories used to be mostly just impressions and facts I could keep filed away like that, but over the past years they have become more clear and detailed, until I can recall my thoughts at the time, as well as the accompanying sensations, sounds and smells. It makes it ever more painfully clear to me, for example, just how deep-rooted my hatred against sexuality and everything associated with it truly goes.
Ironically, psychologists are supposedly trained to help people deal with the past, but in my case they cannot help me, as they caused a great deal of this damage, in particular my hatred against my own body and so-called health professionals. How can I trust someone who belongs to the same group of people who have lied to me, deceived me, tried to make me believe things about myself which were a complete lie?
Thus it is that in the end I can do nothing but embrace the past as I keep trying for year after year after year to find this solution using which I can finally end this cycle of insanity physicians and psychologists have started me on, well over a decade ago.
I want to put the past to rest, but it just does not want to stay dead...
Maya
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