For the past weeks I have been fearing the impending appointment with this new psychologist, in preparation for the reconstructive surgery as well as general PTSD therapy. Considering that said PTSD is largely caused by physicians and psychologists, I think it suffices to say that this is a very unfortunate situation I find myself in. When it comes to reason versus traumas, the latter is guaranteed to win.
Today I was forced to confront just how far this post-traumatic stress disorder of mine goes, when I tried to visit this local congress (GPN) organised by IT people, including the local hackerspace. For the past days I had said that I would be visiting it since I had passed for the last two years. I made this promise despite the uncomfortable feeling it gave me. I'd just have to force myself to go and it would be fine, I thought.
Throughout today said feeling of discomfort slowly grew into a sensation of dread. A few hours before the congress would start said sensation of dread grew into sheer terror. That was when I had to finally admit to myself that I could not conceivably go there.
Trying to think about it rationally, I understood this fear to originate in both my general fear of other people, as well as the dreadful sensation of feeling invisible and irrelevant. Both feelings originate in countless traumatic events over the past decade.
Despite this, some people I know and who were also at the congress today made me feel guilty for not being there, so I went there after all. I frequented the single presentation which I had meant to go see already, and things were okay. There was just this weird glance by a woman sitting in front of me who gave me the weirdest, body-covering look when she looked behind her and spotted me. Just the usual question of whether people see a freak or the opposite. I am somewhat used to that by now.
After the presentation I saw some people I knew, said 'hi' and they walked on, together. Looking around for a bit I just felt forlorn and invisible. It felt wrong for me to be there, so I half-rushed my way out of the place, heading back home. On the way home I had to dodge countless heterosexual couples, holding hands and more. This didn't really help my mood either.
I guess a lot of what I am struggling with is that my experiences with other people mostly involve them hurting me in some way, and it having been clear for more than two decades already that I am not normal. Not physically, nor psychologically. Even today my life just runs parallel with the lives of others, but I do not and cannot participate in society. I likely never will.
Ironically this new psychologist I'm seeing on Monday may be my only chance to somehow fix this problem I have. Actually getting that surgery in a number of months from now should help a lot, but finding some way to find a way to deal with my fundamental distrust and fear of other people is also essential.
That, and finding a new place to move into. Living in a place where I am neither desired nor wanted, let alone comfortable or happy, is also a major source of stress. Yet finding a new place means dealing with other people. Exactly what I do not want and cannot do in any meaningful fashion.
I hate how such spiral of despair and hopelessness always tends to end up with the warm, comfortable thought of just ending my life. I mean, why not? All the pain will be gone. All the problems resolved. No waiting for the inevitable doom and extended suffering as every fear I have about my fellow human beings turns into nightmarish reality.
I really hope that I am just being driven mad by stress and despair. I would hate for this... paranoia to actually be justified fears.
Who can say?