The past weeks have helped to more than remind me of why I did not want to embark on a search for a new place to live, terrible as my current place may be.
Sure, the new place I did find is better in most ways, but it's just a temporary thing again, for 3 years at the most. It does however again mean sharing a house and everything with other people. People who I do not know and which thus make me feel frightful, inclined to just withdraw into my own place where I can ignore the outside world.
I want the new place to be a positive place where from to transition to a place where I really want to live. Yet today my mood regarding the new place got soured as the new landlady saw fit to add hidden charges, including demanding a few hundred Euro merely for her presence at the signing of the rental contract and handing over of the keys. Things like that make me lose trust in people. What is to say that they will not continue to keep up with sudden new charges?
Generally I feel that I'm pretty much done with people. Living in a city is somewhat of a nightmare to me. Being this near to so many people and constantly having to experience their noise, smells and presence is causing me no insignificant stress. Part of this feeling likely originates in me having to deal with so many people so closely while I was trying to find medical help for my condition and trying to survive at the same time.
I must have overdosed on people. This is in some ways ironic since I'm not an introverted person, yet it also shows the sheer depth of the traumas I went through over the past twelve years. I can deal with people no problem, but I absolutely need a people-free zone where I can live, rest and recover.
During the coming three years I have at this new apartment I will thus be tempted to find a house to buy which is as remote as possible, even if it means also buying my first car. Only if I can distance myself from others do I feel that I can find the peace and quiet I require to even begin to heal from my traumas.
Others caused the incredible emotional pain and agony I still regularly experience. Others have betrayed, hurt, used and harassed me. Considering how much I have been crying and thought about terminating my life the past weeks, it's clear to me that continuing on that path is neither helpful, nor healthy.
This somewhat ties into my previous blog post, I guess. The expectation by society that one just puts the chronic, suicidal depression away somewhere and acts 'normal'. For me to try and keep up that pretence will surely harm me. Whether it's due to me merely feeling unhappy all the time, due to an increase in self-mutilation events or outright suicide. I know that others are incredibly dismissive about this, and there's no 'mental health professional' who will do anything but shrug at such proclamations, but talking as someone who is intimately, personally experienced with self-mutilation as well as suicide, I can only say that is all as real as it gets.
As I write this, I cannot stop crying. For reasons I do not understand my hands have strayed to my throat a few times now to try and choke the life out of me, pointless as such a gesture may be. Maybe it's just about the pain, though. Yes, I did find a new place to move into, but the stress of it, and the dealing with the many compromises involved has just led to a singular outcome: I really, really want to die.
Life isn't worth living like this. It really isn't.