Thursday, 22 September 2016

Smile, because nobody wants to see that you're crying inside

This week has been a busy one. Monday another visit to my psychotherapist in order to talk about my upcoming reconstructive surgery, as well as the traumatic events in my past as well as current ones. Tuesday saw a Dutch film crew drop by in order to do an interview with me for the second episode of this new series on gender in 2016. This had me rehash my past again, of course.

Wednesday just had me working on my project at work, and attempt to breathe life in my CPU prototype project at home.

Today I had the first appointment with my family doctor (GP) since March this year, so I had to give her a full rehash of anything relevant that has happened in the intervening months. Then tomorrow I'll be signing the rental contract for the new apartment and begin the arduous process of moving, changing addresses, getting internet at the new place and probably fighting a legal battle with the owner of my current apartment, which would have me likely lose at least some money and definitely lots of sleep.

I find it interesting how full of smiles and positivity I am when I talk to my psychotherapist or GP. Reassuring them that everything is heading in the right direction. This while my mood during this week and especially earlier today was probably closer aligned to a dissociative episode and severe depression than this person I keep portraying.

If you ask me, it's not fair.

It's not fair that one can suffer through traumatic events, come out at the other side scarred, emotionally barely clinging on to sanity and then be expected to carry on as if nothing has happened. I know I have touched upon this before on multiple occasions, but I feel it bears repeating.

If we want to seriously care about mental health issues in society, then it's pertinent that we admit that not everyone in society is equally capable of going through the daily motions in life. That there are people for whom merely doing groceries is a mentally tasking event. People for whom the mere realisation that society expects them to 'just act normal' is enough to make it overwhelmingly clear that said society does not care about them as a person.

Society is about enforcing the collective tyranny of The People onto its members, even if few in society realise that this happens. Some things are accepted, while others aren't.

You're not supposed to be depressed. We cannot use depressed people. We cannot use traumatised veteran soldiers. We cannot use those who do not conform to our image of normalcy. You're not depressed, you're just pretending. You just smiled, you cannot be depressed. Everyone else can do it, so can you.

Just act like everybody else, and stop the depressing talk. It will be fine.

Just keep smiling.

I am smiling because I do not want to be crying. Not outside, not inside. I want to feel happy and care-free. Not haunted by fears that I may suddenly lose all my possessions again, or once more find myself without money, or get beaten up again. I am smiling because I want people to treat me nicely, to care about me. To make me stop hurting inside so much that it feels like the entire world is either against me or feels comfortable stepping over my broken body.

I smile because I want to believe in this better world. Not in this world I grew up in, filled with psychologists who tell me that I am crazy, doctors who try to make me believe that I am transsexual, or refuse me as patient for being intersex and religious people who call me 'unnatural'.

The only path forward I can see at this point is one where I keep smiling. Smiling while every step along the way tears off a little bit more of my soul. Things are unlikely to get easier any time soon. Only way is to keep suffering. Suffer while pretending to be just like everybody else. Depressed? Suicidal? PTSD? Of course not, what are you talking about?

Just look at me, I'm a perfectly normal, fully integrated human being performing their role in society just as specified. Don't you worry. Look, I'm even smiling and making jokes.

I'm fine. Pain is strength, suffering is bliss and what doesn't kill one makes one stronger, etcetera.

Trust me.


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