Upon arriving at my apartment today I got jumped by the contact person for the company from which I rent this apartment I currently live in. She asked me icily when I was planning to move out, threatened with having my place forcefully cleared out and repeating the claims that the ticking heating system is normal ('costs too much to fix') and the brown water is because 'I don't use the water enough'. She also gleefully insisted that German rental law gives them the right to do all this to me.
Even though all that she says it's nonsense, the fact remains that this is a property owner who refuses to fulfil their duties according to the law, and who sees fit to harass those who rent from them with false claims. The other thing is that I have been trying to find alternative places to move into for the past two years or so, hindered by my medical situation and my psychological issues.
As I discovered last week, PTSD - including lots of traumatic events related to moving - are not a great combination with (you guessed it), moving into a new place. If there's no guarantee that nobody is trying to screw me over (like with at least half the times I moved...) and the place isn't actually any or only marginally better than the previous one, it just manages to send my mind reeling back into places which I really do not care to ever revisit.
They're bad places. Dark places. Places where one is alone, and naked and cold, with no light or warmth. Places where the only options are to keep suffering like that or to take matters into one's own hands and kill oneself. Blissful death. No more darkness, coldness, humiliation or suffering.
I am suffering incredibly at this point again. I don't feel safe. I don't see a way out. I only see people ready to either take advantage of me, or to pat me upside the head and tell me that things will get better as long as I keep plugging away at it. Alone.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though. Nobody understands what trauma does to a person unless they have either experienced it themselves, or have shared this pain with someone who suffers through PTSD. People like us do not live just in this world that exists now, today. We live in dozens of not hundreds of instances at the same time, reliving a thousand moments.
But I guess it's pointless to repeat all that again.
In the end I need a new place to move into. My dream is an actual house (not apartment), bought using a loan so that I actually own the place. A house away from people. Somewhere with lots of nature and peace.
Since that likely won't happen right away, I would be okay with renting a house or apartment in or near Karlsruhe that's also quiet and well-maintained, with a friendly owner. 80 square meters or more (lots of hobbies, none of them noisy). Cable connection available and a place for my bicycle.
It would be awesome if I got some help with this. The past weeks my turns have thought to suicide far too often (i.e. more than once), and I really don't want to head into that path again. Once was more than enough.
Please, can I lean on your shoulders for a bit? I won't be too much of a burden, I promise, and I'll return the favour, no worries.
Even if others keep being nasty and horrible to me, I still want to believe that it is okay to be a nice person.