Monday, 20 October 2008


Praised be the caring forces in this country who pick up and ensure the health and safety of the poor masses screaming out in pain and frustration. Never do they let harm come to anyone through their own inaction or ignorance. It's truly heart-warming to see the care displayed by all the brave men and women in this country who give so much of themselves to ensure no harm comes to others.

During my appointment with the psychologist last Tuesday we went through all the things he had written down during our previous conversation and corrected a few minor things. He then informed me that I'd have to undergo a psychiatric test first thing after I got my psychiatrist. Unfortunately a psychiatrist wouldn't be available until early next year, but he'd email one to see whether she might have a spot before that. on Thursday I got a letter informing me that I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist on December 2nd.

On Sunday I quit with the anti-depressants. This was completely my own decision. It felt as though these pills were messing with my head, making me unable to think clearly and in addition to that making me feel more and more suicidal. A temporary increase in suicidal tendencies is normal with these pills, but I've been on them for over one and a half month now and such tendencies are getting only worse. Now that I've been off the pills for two days I feel a lot clearer inside my head already and I seem to care a lot more about others instead of just my own issues.

When I was still on the pills, a few days ago I came up with the idea of saving up the anti-depressant pills which my housemate was giving to me one a day and to take them all next week Wednesday or so if I still hadn't heard from doctor Linthorst by then. I sent him an email on Thursday morning and haven't heard from him yet in three days. Next Thursday it'll be two weeks since he promised to arrange an appointment with a gynaecologist. He'd also call the psychologist, but hadn't done that either.

Taking all those anti-depressants in one go after having been fully detoxed (13 pills of 20 mg each) would most likely have caused epileptic seizures and possibly coma. I'd have needed a hospital visit. To me this'd serve as a warning to everyone concerned that my case isn't to be taken lightly. Today, however, I decided that I couldn't do such a thing to Pieter. I've abused and used him often enough already to the point that I think he must be pretty sick of all my whining already.

In the end, however, I'm still stuck with those two questions: what am I? Who am I? Tests so far seem to indicate that I'm human, but are further inconclusive on what I am further. During my last conversation with Linthorst he basically was saying already that I might have to learn to live without the answers on those questions. I'd never learn why my body is formed like this, why my reproductive organs don't seem to function or be formed normally, why I'm forced to live as a man while my environment treats me as a girl, and so on.

The question then is: can I live with that? Can I live without identity, without self-image? People keep telling me that knowing who I am deep inside should be enough and that I should ignore everything else, but when I search inside even there I only find confusion, not to mention pain. Finding joy in life is hard when every second that one is awake one is tormented by pain, be it physically or mentally.

The past weeks I've tried to be more social, even to start dating and work on relationships, but I've found that to me it's all torture... one giant nightmare. Especially the thought of getting close to someone else on a physical level terrifies me, be it a girl or guy. Just thinking about it I can only feel pain. I haven't pleasured myself in months simply because just thinking about my reproductive organs, my breasts and well, basically my entire body disgusts me. Only safe way to regard is as a 'thing'; something which supports my brain but serves no purpose beyond that. Emotional stuff is also utter junk which serves absolutely no purpose. There's no point in relationships, be it close or just friendships. Most 'pleasures' in life really are just the emanations of sick, perverted minds. The only true pleasure is found in the innocence of a child as well as in the cold, hard logic of science and technology.

Yes, I realize that I'm withdrawing myself. Yes, I'm closing myself off to a lot of potentially wonderful things. Yet at this stage those things can only cause me to self-destruct, like a virus-infected body gradually succumbing to the relentless attacks to which it has no effective defense. There's nothing I can do at this point except withdraw behind the strong, fortified walls of my rational mind, leaving my emotional side to be slaughtered gruesomely on the battlefield.

I need to get my life on the rails for the first time in my life. I need to start earning money. I need to become independent, both emotionally as well as financially. Relying on others is a sickness which will infect and kill all those involved. I've learned this yet again in my reliance on the doctors and other specialists here. If I have to learn to live without identity, with a body I can only hate and curse for being malformed and abnormal instead of understand and rely on, then I have to become independent, quick. If I don't I simply won't survive.



LMX said...

"The only true pleasure is found in the innocence of a child as well as in the cold, hard logic of science and technology."

That's interesting. They say what made us human is something we at one point shared at the root. The inevitable loss of this innocence is indeed a great human tragedy. I envy you though. That what weakens the humanitas (loss of reason and morality) doesn't seem to be present in you. You may well be inherently more human than most because of that.

Take care.

zakir ahmed said...

"The only true pleasure is found in the innocence of a child as well as in the cold, hard logic of science and technology"

well this may actually be right .. rest all pleasures may be actually more intense and sought after ,but we all know that they are temporary .. finally what counts is how good you are and as you said the fun of being a kid :) ..

yeah and please be careful with tablets :( ....