Thursday, 2 October 2008


I've been reading back some old log entries and been thinking a lot about past events. It frightens me to see how much I have changed. Sure, rationally I'm still the same person, but on an emotional level I've turned into this bitter, sarcastic bitch who is disappointed with everything and is more paranoid than that guy down the street who keeps announcing the end of the world and claims that CIA agents are spying on him. At this point I can get up out of bed feeling happy and energetic, I'll read a few news posts, read some forums and chat with some people, and within 1-2 hours I'll feel sick and depressed. The only topics which are now 'safe' for me involve matters only addressing my rational side and do not touch upon anything my emotional side might spaz out about. Things like relations, sex, gender, suicide, death, friendship, finances, adulthood, crime, many medical topics, and much, much more are all black-listed. Every time I come across one of them, it's as though I get a small electrical shock which drains off some energy and leaves behind a dark void.

I'd describe my situation as-is pretty much hopeless. According to that clinic in Germany they've looked with a team at the MRI images and now they say that they aren't really sure what they're seeing on it. At receiving this news last week my world crumbled a bit more and I collapsed emotionally (hysteria), taking me about an hour to recover. On Monday I went for an intake appointment for a psychiatrist, but I learned that it'll take about 3-4 weeks before I first get to talk to one. On Tuesday and today I suffered another attack of hysteria, involving me crying, laughing madly for tens of minutes, talking nonsense, yelling, spasms and more. I do not have conscious control over my body at this point. It reminds me of last year when I found myself lying on the floor, unable to move a muscle in a similar situation.

I was supposed to meet up with a number of girls the past weeks. Like vanishing girl, they've all either vanished, came up with an excuse, or just left me standing at the trainstation where they said they'd pick me up. I'm more sick than ever with meeting people and want to just shut down any and all emotions pertaining to this. At this point I don't need other people anyway other than to support my wussy, crumbling and/or dying emotional side. I doubt it'll ever grow beyond the emotional capacity of a 10-year old anyway.

At this moment I need a few things. First is answers to the fundamental questions about my body. It's most definitely not a male body, that much is sure. It seems to be largely female in terms of build (just not the sexual organs), has XY blood, unknown other tissues, can get female orgasms but not male ones... It's a huge mess and I seem to be fully dependent on the doctors here to answer those questions about what my body is exactly. I was supposed to have another appointment with Linthorst of the AMC, but he hasn't notified me yet with the date and time for the appointment next week. I hope he doesn't forget about me like that German hospital did.

To get one thing perfectly clear: I wouldn't give a damn if I were to get a trans-gender surgery which'd turn me into a 'normal' female first thing tomorrow. I'd be just as unhappy as I'm now because I'm looking for answers, not to see some kind of hazy ideal fulfilled. This is another reason why I'm not going to play a transsexual, as it wouldn't do me any darn good.

Another thing I really need right now is money... basically if I don't earn money this month, I might as well quit the company (Nyanko) and apply for social security, living out my days as a leech on society. It's not like I can work anywhere but in my own company (I've worked for others in the past, it wasn't pretty). So I have to somehow motivate myself. Tough one. Perhaps I'll just turn off all IM applications, stop visiting any and all non-tech forums, and stop answering my phone. Then I can finally work in peace. At least I already quit all social networking sites (Hyves and Netlog can add themselves to the likes of Myspace, Facebook and other lice-ridden, pest-infested sources of retardation).

'Is she going to commit suicide?' is the question I think many want to see answered by now (got to win back that 10 bucks you bet, right?). Unfortunately I can not, and will always refuse to commit suicide. Rationally, that is. Even though I'm constantly in a lot of pain, unbearingly so at times, the only way I'll harm myself is through an impulsive action from my emotional side. This is exactly why those hysteria attacks frighten me so much (and Pieter, who has witnessed a few of them). It's like I'm right on the edge at this point during those attacks and that I just need to move this little bit further where my rational side will just black out and I can do anything from taking a knife to myself to swalling harmful chemicals or other fun activities. So far it's remained limited to me just tearing out some chunks of flesh from my legs, but there's no telling what more could happen.

Right, now people are going to pat me on the head and back again and tell me to just hang on for a little bit longer. Hang on for what? Am I going to get my answers? What makes you think I ever will? It's been nearly 4 years already and at this point it seems as though I might as well have killed myself when I was 5 to save myself and others the trouble. I have lived for 25 years now without identity, without knowing what and who I am. In any serious attempt at a relationship how can I make this clear to my partner? So far some girls have already indicated that they still want to think about dating me a bit longer because of my body, because it's so... different.

In the end all my troubles are due to my body. Being highly gifted is bad enough already, but having a weird, messed up Frankenstein-ish body really makes it impossible to have a life, that much has been made clear to me by now. Actually only my brain is something I can learn to like, unlike my body, which I'd gladly trade in for a regular one. And the worst part? That people keep telling me that I have a regular body. A male one, that is. I'd gladly kick their heads off their miserable necks.



Adriana said...

So, the questions from me are, and I think you should ask these to yourself with your rational side rather than your emotional: What happens next? What happens when you find out the answers you want? What will your gain be, letting aside the knowledge? Why do you want this so much? Why is it so important? Is it because you're being denied it or because you need it to live? Do you think you will be happy after you find out? How do you think it will help your quality of life? Will you improve? Will your life improve?

Maya Posch said...

You might as well ask, why would one need a physical identity? Why do people care whether they're male or female, homosexual or straight? Isn't knowing exactly who or what one is something everyone strifes for?

Yes, I need these answers. Why? Because otherwise all of my emotions remain directionless, I'll never be able to use my body to its fullest and it'd hamper any kind of relationship I might want to begin. Not so much because of my partner, but mostly because I do not want to feel that I'm lying or not telling the truth.

Uncertainty kills. Literally.