Saturday, 25 April 2009

Disconnection To Preserve Sanity...

My previous post resulted in an interesting response, namely that of getting zero positive comments but two absolutely negative and hate-filled comments. As I didn't feel like writing any response, let alone a new blog post for days after those comments, Pieter took it upon himself to put especially 'Dennis' (I'd love to know who this guy really is) back in his place. Dennis even went as far as to accuse Pieter of having been brainwashed by me, as well as state that there are no physical characteristics which would suggest that I might be female, claiming that him reading my blog for a year gave him better knowledge of me than Pieter would, despite him having seen and interacted with me for real for over a year now. Pieter's last response to Dennis' 'brainwashing' comment so far haven't been graced with a new response from Dennis. Below the contents of Pieter's last comment, as I really couldn't have put it better:

"You have read, but you have not understood. Her problems have existed throughout her life, not just the 2 years that she has taken hormones. She has been identified by others as a woman long before she ever decided to wear women's clothing, and her decision to be one stems more from the realization that she is more woman than man in appearance and experience than from a desire to be one.

"The reason the MRI results from both German clinics pleased her were not because they gave her "proof" of being female or because it would help her "become female", but because a chimeric condition would be a valid explanation for her symptoms. She has been seeking answers for over a decade now, and during 4 years of medical examination the only thing close to an explanation came from those two German clinics. Perhaps they were wrong, it's possible, but due to misunderstandings of her intent the Dutch hospitals have focused on the believed desire for her to become female rather than her actual desire to get explanations of how her body functions. As such, they have not run ANY of the tests needed to give her answers; the two tests she took so far were initiated by her, and if needs be she will get the others done on her own as well. There is an answer out there, and she will fight to get it, as IMHO she is entitled to."

If I look at myself, I don't see a woman or a man, but a blank spot, an intelligent entity, a human. Looking only at my body I and others can see that it is more feminine than masculine, this recognition having been started when I was only a few weeks old. To make interactions with the outside world easier I chose to present myself as a female, as I couldn't for the life of me imagine myself with this body acting masculine, let alone that I would feel comfortable in such a role.

I do not desire to become anything at this point, as I wouldn't know why I would want to do so. Basically my entire life so far has been a waiting game, until that moment when I would finally be able to assign an identity to this body and via that define myself. Until that moment I experience this profound disconnect between my rational and emotional (physical) side. Starting years ago and persisting today my role models have been for example characters in Star Trek, like the Vulcans and the android, Data, for being unaffected by emotions, for considering their body to be a secondary consideration, merely a vessel for their real self, their self-awareness and intelligence.

Not that I had things completely under control, but when I admitted to there being an unresolved problem involving my body over four years ago, this represented a shift from the rational to the physical. Unfortunately my emotional side hadn't had much attention since my early childhood, and wasn't ready to cope with the things that were going to come its way during the next years. My basic questions (what am I? What can this body mean to me?) have been twisted and mutilated and then thrown back at me, leaving me unable to defend or to understand what was going wrong, why people wouldn't just understand what I was saying.

This all culminated so far into my last appointment at the VUMC, which for some reason seems to have done more damage than I could have imagined. This week I have seen a more rapid degradation of my emotional defences and abilities to deal with pretty much anything than I had ever held possible. From severe collapses and crying for hours on end in the beginning to a state of continuous collapse, where my emotional side seems to have no defences at all any more and exists only in a state of pain and agony.

A few hours ago I returned from the gym, and I fear that it has been my last time there for a long time. Tomorrow I won't be going to the pool either. I will skip the walks with Pieter and his dogs. I will curb the sites I visit. Today I'm feeling worse than I have ever felt. All my emotional side seems to be concerned with right now is pain and the only way it can see to end it. Rationally there isn't much I can do about it either, but I do recognize that my contacts with others is what destabilizes me, as well as reading words or seeing images which trigger traumas and such deep inside.

Essentially I have decided that if I want to keep my sanity I will have to sever any and all contact with the outside world which may threaten me. This means that I won't be on MSN or other IM services, that my phone will be off, that I'm unlikely to respond to email or other communications. I may add blog posts in this time, but I can't promise anything. How long this will last I can't say. Maybe weeks, maybe months. Maybe I won't recover at all despite this step. All I know is that it's my best and only hope at this point.



zakir ahmed said...

No , please don't do that .. keep taking care of your health .. dont worry about bad comments , remember that world has idiots too .. take care ..

Jan said...

I think it is the best you can do Maya. Take a rest!
I hope to hear from you again later.