Real Me...

It's been a while since I have posted on my blog. As you can see on my Twitter stream I haven't been completely inactive. There isn't one distinct reason why I stopped posting for a while, the primary reason is definitely a response I got earlier this month on 'Neither Dead Nor Alive...' from Adriana. In it she completely misses every single point there is to get and get all her facts wrong in the process. She claims for example that I would be biologically male (unconfirmed at this point), show no signs of being female (I have secondary feminine characteristics with my skeleton for one) and that the MRI scans showed that I'm completely male (not true). She also claims that I want to be female, something I have never claimed, as I am only occupied with solving the mystery that is my body, even if others can not acknowledge that there's something really odd about it.

To miss the fact that my problem isn't psychological but primarily physical is something I encounter a lot, even with doctors and psychologists. I have strived these past four years to find sympathy, understanding and help with this issue, yet the fact that I encounter so much resistance is what has driven me to this state of desperation, of not seeing a way out of this situation anymore. It's due to this that I look forward with trepidation to Monday, when I have my next appointment at the VUMC. All I expect from it is to experience an increase in frustration, resulting in more desperation and pain.

The past weekend I went to see a movie with Pieter and a couple of his friends on Sunday: Dragonball: Evolution. It's the live-action version of the Dragonball animated series, of which I have seen Dragonball Z partially (boring!) and Dragonball GT completely. I thought that this movie was pretty good. The style of the anime was kept intact, giving the movie an authentic feel to it. I really felt that it was about as close as the makers of the movie could have come to the story of the series in such a short movie (just over an hour). Definitely recommended.

Saturday was a less pleasant experience for me. After dinner I accompanied Pieter to the local church where he would be playing together with a choir in the Easter celebration. I was going to hear him play, as I am absolutely not religious and only care about the music :)

Anyway, one of the speeches during this service was the content of the first part of Genesis and for some reason the 'women and men' and 'procreate' part triggered something nasty deep inside me, leaving me to struggle against the flood of emotions and pain inside. I had to resist just running out of the room, which I barely succeeded in. Pieter did notice my discomfort and kept an eye on my during the proceedings. Afterwards we discussed it a bit. I noted that it just happened, that I can't do anything about it, other than fight it down.

Friday I went into the city to buy clothes and shoes for the gym. I also signed up for a year-long membership at a local gym here, called 'Your Health'. In the end I spent less than estimated on my shopping spree, making me a very happy kitten. Thank you, Jan, for offering me this opportunity :)

Monday I didn't do much at all, Tuesday I was planning to go to the gym for the first time, but felt so terrible all day long for some reason and worse after dinner that I decided to skip that day and try again on Wednesday.

Yesterday was the first day that I went to the gym and also the very first time I went to a gym at all. I wasn't completely sure what to expect and felt quite uncertain about a lot of things. The usual mess surrounding my identity during the registration part at the gym didn't help either. After collapsing emotionally during the day and crying for an hour straight, letting out all the pent up frustration, anger and pain I felt better, though, so I pushed on and went to the gym at 7 PM. With the help of a trainer I got started on some cardio and tummy exercises *pokes her pudgy tummy ;_; * which I finished up with half an hour of cardio, by the end of this 1.5 hour I felt a bit dizzy with a headache.

Resting for a bit, I started talking with a woman who was doing tummy exercises at that moment, with the trainer who had assisted me earlier sitting next to her. This trainer first assumed that the woman and I knew each other already from the casual tone of our conversation. Little does he know about the telepathic powers most women possess ;)

The three of us then moved on to some power exercises, lifting weights, bench presses and all that fun. I actually did quite well for my first time, each time going a bit further than the other woman and even impressing the trainer. Both claimed that I'd be very sore the next day, but so far it isn't so bad, possibly due me going swimming regularly. The woman also asked me whether I used to swim or so, based on my shoulders :P

At any rate in addition to that woman I also met a girl who also was there for the first time and with whom I talked a bit. She went back home quite soon, though, leaving me with the trainer and the woman to finish the exercises, followed up by a cup of tea for me and coffee for the woman. She and I agreed to train together again and decided on next Friday, as the trainer will be there then too.

Ultimately I spent 3 hours at the gym yesterday, whereas one hour is about the recommended limit for a beginner. Afterwards I felt quite good, probably the result of endorphins raging through my bloodstream ;)

Right now I feel a bit torn, with at one side this normal life, reinforced by my experiences yesterday, and at the other side the twisted, freakish nightmare formed by everything that is wrong with my body mixed with liberal doses of ignorance and medical brick walls. I really want to go towards the normal life, end the nightmare, but I also realize that I have to see this nightmare through until the (bitter) end, that I can not give up the future, or my body.

Yesterday's exercise was a definite boost, but doesn't take away the intense feeling of dread and fatalism I experience at the thought of Monday. If I believed in a god, I would be praying for this all to be over soon, one way or the other...


Maya