Last Monday I had my appointment at the VUMC with Dr Gijs. This time my mother accompanied me. I would meet up with her at the train station in Amsterdam Zuid. Before things got to that point, though, I suffered one of the worst emotional collapses I have had. Fortunately it happened before Pieter left for his work, as otherwise I might have torn open my throat. Fortunately Pieter managed to stop me. After about an hour of pretty much non-stop crying, I was so tired that I nearly collapsed on the spot. After Pieter put me back to bed and left, I fell asleep and didn't wake up until two hours later, just in time to catch my train.
Once arrived at the VUMC with my mother, Dr Gijs informed us that we'd be joined by Dr De Ronde, the person I had spoken with early last year and who I had requested with Dr Gijs to absolutely not speak with. The following discussion I do not wish to more than summarize as it still leaves a very bad taste in my mouth.
In essence De Ronde doesn't see the need for further tests, meaning no chimera test, no further analysis of the MRI images (what happened to the radiologist who'd detail the VUMC's analysis?), but only the assumption that based on a non-chimera test only (blood chromosomes) and their narrow definition of 'male' I am according to De Ronde a regular male with a regular male development of my body. He did have no explanation for the presence of my secondary female sexual characteristics and essentially just said that he thought that I'm just a male who looks rather feminine. He told me that same old story of there being a lot of different looking males, with some of them carrying rather feminine looks. I felt very offended by this.
My own theory as I described it to De Ronde and Dr Gijs, is that my body is female, has a feminine phenotype, yet the development of male reproductive organs suggests that something more is going on. The presence of XY chromosomes in my blood and the fact that in the womb I was part of a twin both suggest that I'm probably a chimera. Neither Dr Gijs nor De Ronde refuted or commented on this theory, but plain ignored it.
After an hour of arguing like that I still hadn't run out of the room, even though I felt that the situation was hopeless. Dr Gijs offered me a possible treatment at the VUMC, involving accepting the status quo as-is and making up a 'point B' to move towards. I politely told him that I thanked him for the offer, but that I was not in the business of making up things and would not decide myself or by anyone else what would be best for me until I know what this bloody point A (what I am now, how my body is put together) is.
So, in short I'm done with the VUMC again. They have lied to me as before, refused to understand me, refused to carry out any kind of test. Same old, same old. My goal now is to somehow get a chimera test performed, as well as an in-depth analysis of the MRI images (both sets) to finally resolve this stand-off. I have contacted Dr Linthorst of the AMC to inform what the AMC might be able to do for me, else it's off to private clinics again. If I have to pay for everything again, I'll have to somehow get the cash for it. I have no idea yet where to borrow/steal/beg for the money.
Yesterday I discussed my situation with my GP. She understood why I quit with the VUMC. She got contacted by Dr Gijs before I talked with her (via her assistant), and Dr Gijs had expressed his concern about my emotional health (how kind of him...). I explained to my GP that I felt a lot better after quitting at the VUMC, as their erratic behaviour, false promises and hope, plus down-right lies had really taken their toll on me the past months, as my collapse Monday morning showed.
My GP will contact De Meregaard, the center where I previously talked with a psychiatrist, for advice on where I can best receive therapy/guidance with my emotional issues. She deemed it necessary as the VUMC won't be providing such a service to me now. Next Monday I'll have my next appointment with my GP.
Yesterday I started feeling tired again around noon as usual, yet when I went to rest in bed, reading and sleeping, I woke up feeling absolutely beyond just 'tired'. This worsened during the day, until after dinner when I was feeling both emotionally and physically completely drained. I began to develop a severe tummy ache as well, leaving me in agony until it somewhat lessened due to painkillers and I fell asleep.
Today I'm feeling somewhat better, but my appetite still hasn't fully returned. I have no idea what caused yesterday's tiredness and physical symptoms, though it could be a combination of the stress I have experienced and the flu or so. I still feel a bit light-headed, sometimes even dizzy. Time to take it easy, I guess...