Monday, 27 April 2009


So things didn't turn out that extreme yet, disconnection-wise. Pieter managed to get me to the pool on Sunday, where I had a rather fun time with the Chinese children I mentioned before as well as a nice talk with mostly their mother plus the father a bit too. As this family quite often speaks Chinese among each other and with other Chinese people (though their Dutch is fine), it kind of makes me want to hurry up with learning Mandarin, so that I may converse in this language with them too and understand some subtle hints in things they say which I may not otherwise comprehend.

I didn't do much else on Sunday, though. I slept for two hours, sat in front of my computer a bit, then got a tummy ache which make me decide to go back to bed again. After dozing a bit I woke up some more and felt absolutely terrible. As Pieter wasn't around due to the D&D campaign he was playing with his friends elsewhere in Almere until much later that day, I had no choice but to deal with things myself. This 'dealing with' appeared to mean 'scratching my skin open' primarily, something I managed to prevent from happening more than twice.

By the time Pieter returned home I had fallen into some kind of catatonic state, leaving me unable to respond to anything he said or did. It took a while until I got out of this state, but I kept feeling miserable the rest of the day. I felt almost completely sure that ending my life would be the proper course of action, being that I'm just a faceless freak. I'll look at others who are going through a sucky time, but have lots of friends surrounding them, then I see myself being largely alone and being more of a problem to others than someone who deserves attention. I hate living, almost enough to embrace death.

I didn't sleep very long last night, waking up at 2 AM and half-dozing, half feeling utterly depressed and suicidal until about 8 AM. I didn't expect myself to get up at all today, but I managed to beat my emotional side back into submission and got out of bed. Once I turned on my computer and checked my email, however, I noticed an email message from the girl I had been training with together at the gym. She had gone to the gym on Wednesday, expecting to see me there too based on the email I had sent her that day. Feeling terrible that day I had however decided not to go to the gym and I had my phone turned off, leaving her unable to contact me.

She also told me in the email that she wanted to go to the gym again today, which I agreed to. I must admit feeling happy at receiving her email message, as part of me had expected that contact to just vanish like people have just vanished on me before. Our session at the gym today afternoon was kind of fun too. I must say that it managed to really cheer me up. One thing I'm a tad nervous about, however, is how she'll respond to learning about my 'secret'. In a previous email today I had included a link to my website and thus this blog, which she admitted to having skimmed a bit already. I just hope that things will turn out fine, which I expect them to be, as she appears to be someone who would not judge others based on mere physical attributes.

Other things I did today include taking a shower after the gym (naturally) and experimenting with my hairstyle. I decided to take advantage of the natural curl my hair has, resulting in me now having really pretty ringlets, also known as tube curls ;) After an impending haircut things should look even better. I still need to lose some weight, though, as the bathroom scale was so cruel to point out today :( Yay for the gym, I guess.

Right now I'm not feeling too great. Earlier I decided to clean up my room a bit, redo my administration and other document mess using some more trays I got from Pieter after he was done cleaning up the computer room. I filled up all six new trays with the documents, maps and other things relevant to my medical struggles. It's kind of depressing to sort through this pile of letters, reports and various other documents, seeing the progress or lack thereof, the confusion at the lack of a clear conclusion and all that.

Tomorrow is my next appointment with my GP. She should have new advice on any psychological guidance at the very least. Not having received any updates from Linthorst at the AMC, I think that the worst will have to be assumed, namely that I will have to pay for the chimera test myself and devise some way to get clarity on the MRI images. I truly wish that I could have that test and a proper report on the latter, if necessary accompanied by some more tests. I'm so tired of fighting that I simply can't go on any more, and yet I have to...


1 comment:

Jan said...

Hi Maya. Your contacts may be vanishing, bus not this one...
If you want I would be glad to meet you again. We can just chat for a while. You know already that I play chess. Maybe you want to learn it. ans I wouldn't be surprised is you would be fascinated by this game.

Second point. I must admit that I do not understand why you have to tell people at the gym or swimming pool about your "secret". Simply don't. You can always do it later if you become friend with someone or meet him/her more often.
For now, just enjoy swimming en fitness.