Tuesday, 13 October 2009

The Blandness Of It All

Last Sunday when Pieter and I drove back home Pieter asked me how or what I was feeling. I answered "Nothing", which was the truth. Everything these days seems to be overcome with a sense of blandness, with the chaos of the pain and frustration still churning below the surface, but I seem to lack the energy to express it. On one hand it's nice, on the other it also means that I seem to fall into some kind of lethargic state which can last for hours. Anyway, it's time for a summary of what has happened in the nearly two weeks since my last blog post.

I visited my GP yesterday morning and got both types of hormones I'm taking prescribed, Cyproterone and Progynova. Not having to order it online any more and having my health insurance pay for it means that I save about 700 Euro a year. On the flip side, I emailed my insurance company with a question regarding full compensation for the electrolysis hair-removal treatments and from their answer I gathered that I'll only get paid back up till 250 Euro, as full coverage is only available for transsexuals. This means paying about 1,250 Euro a year, or around 2,000 Euro left to pay out of my own pocket until the treatment is finished.

On which note, tomorrow I'm starting with the Blend method at the beauty salon instead of the galvanic electrolysis method. Basically the galvanic method uses direct current (DC), thermolysis alternating current (AC, or RF). Blend combines both, resulting in a more effective treatment (70-90% effective on treated hairs). The formation of heated lye is more destructive to the hair than regular lye, increasing the possibility of completely killing the hair matrix (root) cells. I can't wait to see how it'll work for me. I'm still quite happy with how the treatment is working for me so far.

I felt quite disappointed when I wrote my previous blog post on October 1st about the last communications with the UMCG. I have been telling people how it'll take until December before anything will be known at this rate. Well, I wrote another email to Professor Weijmar Schultz yesterday to ask for confirmation on receiving my previous email. Today I got his response. Essentially the genetics department is performing an additional (no details) test because of that previous email and this should take about another 3 weeks. An appointment will be made soon during which they expect to answer all my questions.

The sensation I felt at reading the 'three weeks' part can be described as 'choking'. It almost made me wish it would still take until December. It's such an incredibly big thing... It truly terrifies me to have to hear what they have to say. Did they find anything? Nothing? Will they just say that they can't find anything genetics-wise which is 'unusual'? Will they say that I do have something odd, like XX/XY pattern? I so hope that they have found at least something which would justify to myself chasing those answers, as I know that 'nothing unusual' is not the answer which will help me explain things. Such an answer would only help me further down into despair, make me further question my own sanity. I'm truly afraid of a negative result.

I tried to register myself yesterday for a house/apartment here in Almere, yet I simply couldn't make myself fill in the first page. I know I have to use my official identity, but for some reason I just can't do it anymore. I don't want to be something I'm not, I don't want to have to muddle through that procedure with the feeling that I'm taking care of it for someone else. I may not entirely feel like 'Ms Posch', but it's a heck of a lot closer to the truth than 'Mr Posch'.

Which reminds me, the government instance last contacted/forwarded to (Justice Department) on the policy change regarding official gender changes still hasn't responded. It's nice to be left in the dark like this. I haven't received that declaration/letter from the UMCG yet either explaining my situation. Not that I would want to renew my driver's license while this retarded dual-identity situations still exists, though.

Health-wise I'm somewhat bordering on the edge. I feel extremely nauseous at least a few times a day, to the point that I fear that I'll throw up in the next second. My appetite is shot, with me skipping meals or just eating very little. Yesterday I had one bowl of muesli for breakfast and no lunch, while I used to have a full-sized breakfast and lunch. I guess it beats responding to stress by gorging on food.

In more positive news, I watched 'Alice' for the second time yesterday. It's a 1988 Czech movie loosely inspired by the Alice in Wonderland story, turning it into a totally surrealistic, sometimes almost horror-ish experience. I first saw it when I was a young child, many years ago, and back then it completely freaked me out. Not that I got nightmares from it, but I did think it was a quite scary experience. The second time I appreciated the movie more, understanding its premise and such much better. It's definitely a movie I would recommend watching, if only because it's so original :)

On Saturday the 17th I'll be going together with Pieter (and his MAME setup) to a retro gaming day in Maarssen, near Utrecht: http://commodore-gg.hobby.nl/. It is called 'From Pong To Playstation', and costs 2 Euro to visit. A lot of old and more recent systems can be seen and quite a few played on.

On Sunday we'll be going with a large group to the Duinrell amusement park in Wassenaar. Initially we were only going for the swimming pool section, Tikibad, but since we have to buy a combined ticket for both the park and the pool we're going to visit the park as well, before we head for the pool. I hope it'll be a fun day.

Finally, I put the BNR radio recording of last month online. I created a kind of slideshow to go along with it using an Avisynth script (my first one). The video can be found in my YouTube channel and on the Media page on my site.


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