Thursday, 15 October 2009

Nice Things, Not So Nice Things

Some simple things make me just happy, such as the present I gave Pieter for his birthday last week. It was the first time I have ever picked, bought and given someone a present completely on my own, and it seems to have been a good choice. The present in question was a new wireless mouse, to replace Pieter's cranky old one which was part of a Logitech MX3000 desktop set (mouse and keyboard). I picked a Logitech LX6, which turned out to work with the old wireless receiver, making it a very painless upgrade. Pieter is also still happy with it, which I'm glad for. With his old mouse the buttons wouldn't work that well anymore (he's a big, strong guy, you do the math), leading to many expletives getting launched. Since I have this weird thing where I feel instantly guilty or bad whenever someone curses or is unhappy, not having to deal with this anymore makes me a happy kitten too :)

What I'm still on the fence about is the visit from a girl with her boyfriend tomorrow night. She's the one who contacted me by email after seeing my video a while ago and also the one who invited me to that Halloween party. They'll be dropping by after supper to watch a movie together, drink some tea and chat. It's the first time I'll see them both face to face and I have no idea what the experience will be like. There's only one way to find out, I guess.

What makes me absolutely not happy is something like what happened yesterday night. Pieter's dad stayed the night here due to his work, and while the three of us were sitting downstairs Pieter's dad asked to see the news on TV because he was interested if anything had happened yet in the DSB bank case here. When the TV turned on it was still on the last channel we previously watched, only this time it wasn't 'The Nanny' which came on, but some rancid scene from a porn movie or so. I only saw like two seconds of it before Pieter zapped away, but by that time it was already too late.

Many sexuality-related topics are a strong trigger for my PTSD, and porn is one of the worst. I tried to act normal while attempting to fight back the sick feeling and horrible thoughts and images inside of me until Pieter asked whether I was tired and wanted to go to bed. Nodding, I got up and walked upstairs to my room, where I undressed and got into my bed, knowing very well that I wouldn't be sleeping any time soon yet. This was about 11 PM. I hoped that Pieter hadn't forgotten about my sleeping pill and that I wouldn't have to go for the other tactic, which is waiting until I'm completely exhausted and will fall asleep even if I were dangling above a fifty meter abyss.

Minutes creeped by and after silently crying for a while I heard Pieter and his dad come upstairs, discuss the new music room, then listen to some music upstairs in the computer room to finally prepare for bed. Then Pieter went upstairs to his bedroom, the lights all turned off and I knew that he hadn't remembered. Since Pieter's dad doesn't know about my issues I didn't want to get Pieter into trouble by sneaking upstairs to his room to ask for a sleeping pill. I thus proceeded to read in my book until it was 2 AM at which point I barely knew what I was reading anymore and fell into a restless sleep after turning off the light.

I woke up again at around 5 AM and attempted to sleep more, but couldn't manage more than a few short naps. I could feel that the triggering of my PTSD of the previous night hadn't been processed yet. Pieter told me after his dad had left that it would have been fine if I had come up to his room for a sleeping pill, that there would have been nothing odd about it. Perhaps I'm just too concerned at times. I then proceeded by drenching Pieter's shirt with more tears.

Nice is the work on our games. Although it's a lot of work still, and Trevor is stressing out over the level editor for Even Cats Dream (with a HDD crash last week to brighten up his day), with me having to finish the new Nyanko, ECD sites and the webshop in addition to various game resources, I'm nevertheless getting more into the spirit of things. It does provide a nice kind of distraction and it's the only time when I'm not confronted with how much of a freak I am.

Tuesday Pieter did get a response from the Justice department on the policy change, basically stating 'We're working on it', meaning that it'll be introduced for consideration at some point in the future. Also no reference to whether it would also help cases like mine. Great work, guys, really helpful.

I sent the UMCG an email yesterday asking whether they could clarify the 'additional test' bit and perhaps already tell me what I can expect to hear with my upcoming appointment. I haven't received a response yet.

Yesterday I also had my first Blend method treatment. As a whole it's more pleasant than the purely galvanic method, even if it takes longer per hair, it should be more effective in destroying left-over cells, meaning fewer treatments per hair.


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