The Surreality Of Existence

Ah, how subtle changes can occur. One moment I find myself whining about how I'm so terribly lonely and am a complete social misfit, and the next moment I'm planning my costume for a Halloween party on the 31st this month where around thirty people will be attending. This all because one girl here in Almere sent me an email yesterday after seeing my last video on the Omroep Flevoland site. We sent a few emails to and from, then today we chatted on MSN for what must have been hours. Unlike what happens in most cases when someone contacts me this way, it actually clicked between us. We found no lack of subjects to discuss and I'm left with a positive feeling about things. Somewhere in between she mentioned a Halloween party she organizes each year and asked whether I might be interested. I said yes.

I'll be attending the party as a vampire. Yes I know, how terribly exciting and such. The truth, however, is that it's just a great fit for me, as vampire women are supposed to be attractive, very feminine women (check). They're also exceedingly pale (check) and mysterious (check). All I need are the teeth and some other bits and pieces and I'll be a great vampire :) Things to get include shoes, make up (I'm not yet pale enough :P ) and perhaps something to put up my hair. Good thing I have still got a month to take care of things.

I finally got some more clarity on the medical side as well. In an email Weijmar Schultz of the UMCG told me that 1) there is no Oestrogen gel here in the Netherlands (must have been a communication error before...), 2) they won't contact Germany yet until they have some more answers from the genetics test. Since I refuse to use patches, even if other types may have fewer side-effects, also due to the horrible residue they leave on one's skin and the pain it is to put them on properly (had one fall off before), this is not an option. I also see no point in the subdermal option where a capsule is injected underneath the skin for half a year, as this leaves a scar (two scars a year? No thanks) and the last month it's unreliable.

Yes, the oral option (pills) I'm using now means that I'm putting more strain on my liver and the chance on thrombosis is a tad higher (mostly in risk groups), but it's the most practical option which gives me the best quality of life. I would like to try the gel option still, but I would have to order it from elsewhere than the Netherlands, meaning that my insurance wouldn't pay for it. So pills it is.

I'm somewhat disappointed that they aren't going to discuss with Germany yet. To me the most important question is whether or not I have a vagina. What my genetic makeup is is of far less importance to me. It won't affect the rest of my life after all. All I know is that sexually I'm a mess, and that unless I get some answers there soon, my frustration and anger will only get worse. It is the primary reason why I feel like a freak after all. Or why I am a freak.

The two politicians of the PvdA Pieter wrote an email to didn't bother to give a proper response and instead we got redirected to the general point for government information, Postbus 51. They promised to either answer the question on whether the new law will help me too or else give an estimate on how long it'll take in 3 days time. Let's hope I hear something tomorrow.

Yesterday night I had another bad moment involving strong thoughts about suicide. With the strain I can feel each day and which expresses itself in a headache, fatigue and a lack of energy/motivation, I can notice that I'm really at the end of what I can take. Something like that Halloween party is a nice distraction, something for me to focus on instead and allowing me to push away the negative feelings for a short while.

Yet the sad truth is that I'm balancing so precariously on the edge that I can't help but question the wisdom of the UMCG in delaying certain things which could be done in the short to medium term, instead focusing on the long term. Either interpret the MRI images correctly or admit that nobody has a real clue about what can be seen on it and start cutting me open or so.

I just want that one answer...


Maya