Cause Of Frustration: Medical

A short while ago I got the MRI images from the Onze Lieve Vrouwe Gasthuis (OLVG) hospital here in Amsterdam which were made last December. Once again when I look at the images myself I only feel the same questions and frustrations. To summarize, here is a telling image from the series of side views:


According to the OLVG report no female reproductive organs were visible, yet a prostate was visible. Yet again the same question is raised of what the structure marked 'Vagina?' in the image is. Looking at MRI images with the same perspective of regular males no such structure can be seen. At the UMCG hospital the radiologist indicated that this black line was merely air inside the rectum, yet this image clearly shows that the black line is outside the rectum wall and thus at most can be air outside the rectum, which would be worrying as normally there's no air inbetween organs. So far the radiologist of the UMCG hasn't provided any MRI images of a similar phenomenon as he had promised during our last appointment.

When it comes to the prostate I can believe based on this image and the others that there is a prostate present, although I do wonder why both German clinics indicated that they didn't see one. It is clear to me, though, that if a prostate is visible on my MRI images it isn't as neatly visible as normally. The German scan was pretty blurry after all. This OLVG scan is the sharpest one so far thanks to the use of an additional RF probe.

So what it comes down to is what this mystery tube-like structure is. So far I have heard Germany say it's a vagina, with Dutch hospitals saying that there's nothing special visible (while this appears to be an unusual thing to see on an MRI scan) or that it's merely the rectum wall/air inside the rectum (both by UMCG). I honestly can't say. All I know is that I feel a 'hole' down where a woman would have a vagina, which becomes more 'loose' when I become sexually excited, and that others have confirmed this as well.

To be honest I feel completely miserable having all those contradictory facts and statements piled up in front of me with no one seemingly interested in telling me what in heavens name is really there. Do I have to cut myself open or so to take a look? I do know that I can not keep living without knowing what's going on. It takes too much energy.

Worst are the many flashbacks I keep experiencing, of which I had an especially bad case yesterday. I woke up feeling alright, then while at the swimming pool I found that I felt very agitated, even having to suppress the urge to scratch or otherwise hurt Pieter when he repeatedly splashed some water at me even after I had indicated I didn't like it. It was the first time we left the pool before 12 PM since we started swimming there.

Then during the day I kept feeling burned out emotionally. The past few days there's also been pressure on me to look at finding my own place, which combined with my current uncertain financial situation feels more like jumping into deep water, unaware of any rocks or strong currents which may lie beneath its surface. It feels like a step too far at this point.

Last night I couldn't sleep at all until 2.30 PM. Every time while reading my book that I began to feel sleepy and turned off the light to try to sleep I'd notice my thoughts drifting off to unpleasant topics, with many flashbacks mixed in, mostly related to the women I have been intimate with. It filled me with so much disgust and frustration and god knows what else that to prevent myself from thinking even darker thoughts I had no choice but to turn the light back on and grab my book again. At least I managed to finish the book, but today while I'm okay rationally, my emotional side feels about as refreshed as a smashed orange which has been lying in the burning sun for a few days. At times I get this pressure on my chest, or a stabbing headache which lasts for minutes or some other random pain. It's really quite annoying.

To put something positive into this post as well, I got permission to post a request for help with Nyanko's current game (Even Cats Dream) on Hardforum.com (in the subscription section). So far a few people willing to design levels have reported and I'm hoping that a 3D artist or two will join too. With some luck the game could be finished well on time.


Maya