Sunday, 27 June 2010


Allow me to rush through some recent updates, starting with my health. The sensitive skin on the left side of my face is virtually gone since Thursday, replaced with an upset stomach since Friday which is still bothering me.

Last Thursday I got a visit from that art academy student I mentioned before. For her graduation project she will be writing an article on the perception of male/female-ness from a personal, social, emotional and scientific view, with accompanying photographs, as she does a photography course.

One of the things she noticed before she found my site and contacted me was that while for homosexuality and transsexuality and related there are heaps of information, forums and everything, there's almost nothing on intersexuality. No forums, no truly active organizations. This while intersexuality is so common. I explained to her that unlike those other things, intersexuality is still more or less a taboo in social and medical environments. As long as things can be labeled 'male' or 'female', it's alright, but 'neither' or 'both' just doesn't work or exist in the minds of most people. Intersexuality therefore basically doesn't exist as something people are aware of.

Our conversation didn't just revolve around my intersexuality; we discussed a wide variety of topics, and in general it was quite fun. My impression of the student was positive, and I welcomed her suggestion of visiting me again to take photos and to talk some more. Her article doesn't have to be finished until early next year, so there's plenty more time.

As usual, after such an intense talk about emotions and related, I pretty much completely collapsed shortly after the student had left. I felt quite unsettled for the rest of the day, and two days after that. Friday morning I woke up feeling almost like I did the day after my appointment at the UMCG hospital, three weeks ago. On which note, I'd really like to know whether they're actually going to help me with anything or are content to see me spiral towards my own destruction.

Work-wise things are going well. I have spent a week debugging Lilium M1 and am nearing the home stretch, with just some details left in the virtual machine code. After I get M1 working properly I'll proceed with M1.5, which will have a basic VHDL compiler and an optimized (hardware-mapped) VM.

Before and after my weekly work times (9-5), however, I am pretty much worthless. I'll be feeling terrible about myself, about my life, about being lonely. I'll lack the energy to do anything useful and be frequently plagued by dark thoughts. This again shows the duality I keep fighting against. 9-5 during the week is when I only allow my rational side to do anything, outside that I let go a bit and thus the turmoil inside my heart is revealed.

Emotionally I'm devastated, ready to find a way to end this all as quickly as possible as I can not see a place for me in this world, no acceptance, no answers. I often find myself loathing this world as much as I have ever loathed anything. Why do I even bother with a world that is so screwed up as this one? Why bother at all with anything? My entire life I have been fighting to find myself, and it doesn't seem like an attainable goal. And I'm so tired from trying...

Cheque please.


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