Thursday, 10 June 2010

Fearful On The Edge

If I have to make up the balance of my life at this point, then all I can say is that it's most precarious. While I was able to work relatively normally for the past few months, my emotional issues are once again beginning to affect even that aspect of my life. The past three days I have had this case of painfully sensitive skin on the left side of my face, with occasional stabbing pain plus a continuous headache in that area as well. Coincidentally this occurred right after a little mishap at the pool last Sunday when I got launched into the water at an unfortunate angle and managed to injure my lower back. As an aside I would like to extend my heart-felt thanks to Ivy and her husband, the Chinese couple who have helped me before and from whom I have only ever felt warmth and kindness.

So anyway, I spent Monday being all bedridden and drugged up on Pieter's prescription painkillers with only one position (lying on my side) not being extremely painful. By the end of the day the pain began to recede, but that's when I first noticed this painful skin on my face, concentrated around my left eyesocket. On Tuesday it was even more painful, Wednesday topping the level of pure agony even more, with me wrestling through the day in a somewhat dazed state. These days I also suffered from an old friend: extreme hyperventilation, with me unable to breathe properly for hours despite every breathing exercise I could think of.

Today I woke up with the sudden realization that the pain was virtually gone, with the affected skin area only being somewhat sensitive, and me feeling great in general. This lasted until later that afternoon, when I got a really bad case of hyperventilation, forcing me to find some source of distraction. I ended up reading in my current book while trying to relax in bed, yet I had to put the book away multiple times because I was pretty much choking. By the time Pieter got home from his work, I was pretty much in tears from the sheer pain and frustration.

During dinner I felt alright for a while again, then afterwards the hyperventilating started again, until I decided to retire to bed again, where I finally totally collapsed. I had noticed before during the past few days that releasing the suppressed emotions and frustrations inside me helps to reduce the headache and hyperventilating. In this case I had a really bad release, with me having to fight back a really strong urge to maim myself, others and destroy something. It wasn't until Pieter came downstairs to comfort me that I managed to settle down somewhat.

Based on previous experiences and research it seems pretty clear to me that the above is a result of my worsening PTSD, which seems to be reaching a critical stage, most of all due to the causes still being present and there being no alternative treatment. Considering earlier outbursts the past few days it seems clear to me that the right - or wrong - set of impulses could push me far enough to make that last fatal mistake. One of the halmarks of PTSD is that it precludes rational thought, and I fear that I am now rapidly reaching the point of no return. All I need now is some bad news from the UMCG hospital and my life could be forfeit. This frightens me to no end.

On a brighter note, yesterday's voting went well for me. I had my first name and gender scratched away on my ID card and yet this wasn't questioned. No questions were asked or remarks made at all, actually. My suspicion is that the women behind the desk might have recognized me, since a modified ID card should raise at least some questions.

What I'm also pretty happy with is this new Nintendo DSi I bought last Sunday. I got some games for it includes the usual assortment of Harvest Moon games but also My Chinese Coach, as I still intend to learn Mandarin Chinese. My first impressions are that Chinese is incredibly hard and very challenging to learn. Good thing I like a challenge, I guess :)


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