Monday, 19 July 2010


The past few days I have been having trouble understanding myself, trying to judge what impact last Thursday's hospital appointment has had on me. So far I'm not sure which direction I'm moving towards, if any. For example, Pieter left this morning for Italy. I'll be alone at home until late Wednesday. Right after he left I almost immediately started crying and throughout the day I have felt very disconnected from everything. Yet I did write four pages of the fifth Zelda story and worked on the new TileWars game. Until I crashed and felt extremely tired, even had my body temperature rise 1 degree spontaneously for a few hours while feeling very weak.

One thing I have been worried about recently is that of the upcoming urological tests; I can't image what kind of tests they could try to figure out a diagnosis, and I'm pretty much convinced that they'll come up with some nonsense diagnosis as well, like everyone before. Trust is something that is to be earned, and hope is something you have when there's some expectation of trust. Based on my experiences so far there's no reason for trust and thus no reason for any hope. And that's tough.

It doesn't help either that I'll be waiting an unknown time for the psychiatrist to get back to me on a local EMDR therapist, and an equally unknown time for anything on the urological testing. Basically all I have at this point are promises, and that just doesn't sit well for me. On top of that the PTSD flashbacks which got pretty bad before that appointment last week don't seem to get any less now. I'm really sick and tired of getting distracted by another flashback of something I have experienced, something someone said, something I have read and so on. The only way I can deal with it is by focusing completely on a task, like I did while working on that Zelda chapter today. Of course, at some point I just seem to run out of energy and the flashbacks strike back in revenge. I really can't go on like this.

At least tomorrow should be somewhat more manageable, with me spending a lot of time surrounded by other people. First I'll spend the morning at the beauty salon for my weekly torture session(s), then during the afternoon I'll be at a client discussing the details for a new website for her husband's company. Yes, it's that house painter's company. I met the owner's wife last Saturday again and made an appointment for tomorrow.

I'm sure there is more to say, but I'm honestly too tired to continue.


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