Call From Surgeon; Back To Square One

I just got the long-expected phone call from the surgeon regarding how he wants to proceed with me. Short version is that he doesn't. His exact reason was unclear, but seemed to hinge on that he was too uncertain about what he'd find there. This of course no doubt influenced by the massively conflicting Dutch and German reports, with one side proclaiming me to be a generic male and the other side a full-blown hermaphrodite.

He figured that any kind of surgery should take place at a large, academic hospital, and not a private clinic. To that end he suggested that one of the urologists he consulted today about my case could mediate between me and the VUmc gender team. I really had to contain my amazement at that suggestion, as I had clearly explained to the surgeon what hell I had gone through at that place the past years. When I said that was no option for that reason, also due to the disciplinary case I have running against the VUmc gender team, he suggested that I should just go back to Germany. See that surgeon again I went to the first time.

I had to cut off the phone conversation there. I just couldn't take it any more. No matter what I had explained, about how I and others for me had searched around the globe already for a capable and willing surgeon, but that none had been found so far. It all didn't matter.

Is this the end of the medical efforts? Nothing has changed for me in terms of knowledge about my body. As far as I know Germany's conclusions are still the one to go for, with me having an existing, closed-off vagina. No need for me to go all asexual just yet, I can just stay my traumatized, shell-shocked, crippled sexual self for now. As the surgeon mentioned, he and those he consulted have never encountered a medical case like mine. I guess I could curse being so bloody unique now. I very much doubt that there's medical help in my future.

I'm quite ready to move to a country now which does treat people like me humanely. It's clear to me that The Netherlands isn't going to do anything positive for me, ever.

Feeling relatively calm right now, which is why I'm typing this now. The emotional backlash and pain is coming up soon, though. Thanks for confirming that I'm an unwanted anomaly and freak, yet again. My traumas are going to have a field day with this one.


Maya