Yesterday I picked up the DVD with the MRI scan images and the radiologist's report of the scan which was made last Friday. Looking at the report it turned out to be the first Dutch MRI report which actually indicated that I do not have anything resembling a regular prostate, as previous reports did. It did however not explicitly mention the presence of a vagina, indicating that it could see something, but that it wasn't clear whether this was a uterus or not. It dismissed the presence of 'internal female genitals'. While not as outright dismissive as earlier Dutch radiological reports, it is still a far cry from the three sets of earlier German MRI reports which were very clear on the presence of a vagina, or the report of the exploratory surgery which found said vagina as well.
Talking with others about this yesterday, some pointed out that there is a lot of terminology confusion and dissonance, such as what is meant with 'genitals', and which part is the vagina. Such dissonance makes it very hard to properly interpret this report, leading to yesterday's PTSD attack. After reading the report I first had this horrible sensation, slowly developing into a certainty that the surgeon will dismiss my case now or at least discard the possibility that I have an existing, closed-off vagina. This feeling then developed into a complete lack of self-worth, of being alone and miserable.
Even today I'm feeling not entirely stable, still. I just read the report again before I started typing this blog post and I could see things and nuances which I had missed or not properly interpreted before, yet it still leaves me with a very uncertain feeling. Putting reference books and images next to this most recent MRI scan I can yet again see that my internal anatomy doesn't match up with a male anatomy still, with where the vaginal canal is being quite visible, running between the bladder and rectum. The reference books I use refer to this section as the 'vagina', but I'm not sure what Dutch radiologists were taught during anatomy classes. I have no explanation for why German radiologists seem to be far more clear on what they can and can't see. Maybe it's that Dutch radiologists are afraid to get sued, so they try to go for the most generic analysis possible? I don't know.
I do know that I'm sick of being caught between those two sides for years now. Germany has been a constant and unmoving factor, with the exact same diagnosis from three different, independent teams, whereas the Dutch interpretations have moved and shifted a lot, sometimes seeing things where they were not (both testicles in scrotum, when one wasn't descended), or giving two different explanations for the supposed vagina on two different occasions (air in/outside the rectum).
I'm not trying to prove that I am right about something or not. I came first to Dutch and then German hospitals for a medical diagnosis of how my body is put together. During this process these two countries have given me two diametrically opposed conclusions, with the German conclusion becoming ever more likely based on physical examinations, general sensations in that area, as well as the exploratory surgery.
In short, I just want to know the answer. I think I know the answer, as summarized by the German teams, but the only way that will ever be fully proven is through a successful restorative surgery.
On Thursday I'm having another consult with my surgeon about said surgery. He'll have this MRI scan as well as the German surgery report in his possession if everything went right and he'll be able to give me his opinion on what he thinks is possible with the surgery. Hopefully the answers will come with this surgery. Else I'll just have to remain a helpless chewing toy of medical systems here and around the world. I'd rather not have that happen, though. I can not have peace with myself or my body in any fashion while that situation persists.
As I mentioned in my previous vlog video, I want this nightmare to end already so that I can finally start living my life. Nobody can live forever in a nightmare. Either you escape or you perish...
Maya
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