Thursday, 8 August 2013

Sickening, Hopeful Uncertainty

My last post two days ago was filled with quiet despair and the certainty of no help from anyone. Maybe it's just how the universe works, but the day after I posted things started changing. First I got a response yesterday from the German clinic I had sent an inquiry to about whether they could help me. Yesterday I got the response, which was affirmative. The surgeon would like to see my medical file and the MRI scans using which he'll determine which type of surgery would be appropriate. After that he'd like to see and examine me in person. Of course I immediately sent the clinic the relevant files, which naturally are all from German sources aside from three MRI scans.

The first report is the initial MRI report from the first German clinic, followed by the reports from the clinic in Hamburg and accompanied by four sets of MRI scans spanning five years (2007-2013). While I do expect that this German surgeon will see the same things as the other three groups of German physicians, it's nevertheless an exciting and nerve-wrecking period for me. Not only about what the surgeon can see, but also what he thinks is attainable in my case. With some luck I'll end up learning many of the final details about my body and maybe even gain the normal sexuality which has so long been inconceivable for me.

It's odd how rapidly my mood changed upon receiving the response from the clinic. From a suicidal depressive mood and a general feeling of loneliness and misery suddenly I began to feel careful optimism and a loosening of the noose around my neck. Yet at the same time I began to feel somewhat nauseous at the thought that this might just be a repetition of what has been and possibly always will be. A repeat of the muddied, bloodied shards of innocent hope lying trampled on the cold ground.

I also really hope that it'll work out at this clinic, as it'll really help me in my efforts to migrate to Germany. A successful surgery at this clinic would make Germany into the absolute saviour to me from the gnarled clutches of the evil Dutch systems. While I'm very independent, I am nevertheless very respectful to those who do their jobs well, as well as those who support them. I'd have no issue with living in Germany after such a success story. If not, I'd have reason again to feel bitter, which would make things so much harder emotionally. A lot depends thus on the coming communication with this surgeon.

The other great thing which happened occurred today, when I received an email from the office of my personal injuries lawyer, Yme Drost. It contained communications from the medical disciplinary commission. They have decided that the case against the radiologist of the VUmc - Van Waesberghe - will be merged again into the main case together with the other three individuals. Considering how crucial the denial by the Dutch radiologists has been the past years that they could see anything unusual on the MRI scans, I feel that it is important that this matter be highlighted as well. Tomorrow I'll be discussing these recent changes in the case with my lawyer. The public hearing against the VUmc gender team will take place on September 24th this year in Amsterdam.

In many ways it's a cruel game which is being played with me and my feelings: dangling the resolution of my troubles right in front of me over and over again only to snatch it away again at the last moment. It has made me into an uncertain, doubtful and somewhat skittish person. And yet there's absolutely nothing I can do about it beyond hoping that maybe, just maybe this time things will be different...

I wouldn't count on it.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog while trying to debug an a problem I was having with a QThread enabled program (your post totally helped btw). Bored I started reading your other posts which eventually led me here to this blog. I'm not one to typically random people on the interwebs, but this is some of the most heart wrenching stuff I've read in a long while. I am glad that things are looking up for you (especially after yesterday's post). Please don't let the depression take you. The world doesn't have enough brilliant people, and despite how dark it gets, there is always hope. I'm not going to pretend I know the amount of pain you're going through, but I believe there is always hope if you know where to turn. I wish there was more that I could do to help, but living on the other side of the globe, all I can do is offer my prayers and (hopefully) a little encouragement. Get yourself to Germany! Its far better than any alternative. Best of luck.