Over the past decade I have suffered raped and sexual abuse in various forms by both men and women, by regular people and so-called healthcare personnel including doctors. I have lost myself repeatedly because of previous abuse and allowed others to take advantage of me in ways which still fill me with horror and loathing at the mere recollection. There is also circumstantial evidence that I - just like a cousin of mine - was sexually abused as a young child, though the facts about this are lost in the fogs of time.
All of this has served to make me into the person I am today: someone who despises and loathes sexuality more than anything. Unable to fit something so completely evil and negative into my life, I take great care to avoid it as the mere mentioning of an aspect of it can trigger crippling recollections of events, feelings and traumas which will cause me incredible emotional pain.
Sometimes I dare to utter in public that I'd appreciate it if people were a bit more careful with spilling details about their relationships, sex life and pornography preferences, just in case someone like us is nearby: someone who is still struggling through the consequences of such horrific trauma.
I'm a horrible person for having the nerve to deny others unfettered access to details about anyone's sex life and preferences. I'm playing the victim as I would like others to consider people like us before mentioning something which may potentially trigger a traumatic memory. I'm being a big baby as I try to deny something that's intrinsically part of being human. Others are completely justified in telling me to crawl off somewhere deep and dark where their lascivious behaviour cannot reach me.
People like us do not deserve any compassion, sympathy or understanding. All the suffering we underwent was simply because we were born sinful and undeserving of humane treatment. Every tortured memory and traumatic recollection at a particular sight, touch or smell is just to remind us that we are sinful creatures, only born to lead others astray.
At times like these I simply do not understand anything any more.