Monday, 31 August 2015

The point where one just cannot care any longer

After what for a while seemed like actual progress related to somehow resolving my intersex condition, things seem to have stalled again, with nothing really happening any more. To even get into a contact with a physician is almost impossible, with making an appointment virtually inconceivable. The submission of so many medical reports and critical questions. It's the same as every time before, as if I'm undergoing a trial. I'm not a patient requiring help. Or deserving of any, for that matter.

Some alternate examinations were also suggested as mentioned before, including an examination by a specialist of my intestines, including for a potential inflammation issue with the appendix. I got a referral for this, but I haven't made an appointment yet. I don't think I will be making one either. Even if I thought it was an issue like this, I just cannot care enough. As my body goes through more and more bizarre changes which make it very obvious that something is happening inside, and even on days like today when I'm feeling nauseous and feeling abdominal and vaginal pain, I only realise that no matter how serious it might be what is happening. It's irrelevant to everyone but myself.

Even if what is happening to my body will cripple me, or leave me in pain for the rest of my life, or even kill me, I know that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how much I care about this issue, it will not change anything. Ergo I will not care any more. I cannot care any more. I do not have the energy or motivation.

I do not wish to head towards attempting suicide again either. I just want this stupid intersex issue to go away, and with it the disorder that is society, especially physicians and other self-professed 'experts'. There's nothing for me to be gained there. Nothing that can be accomplished.

All I can do is stop caring about this body. Ignore it, and all the troubles that this body brings with it. Even if it means giving up on the last hope that I might find medical help. It's not worth it any more. Not after decades of suffering and pain.

I'll just have to learn to live with the bitter regret that I was born with a cursed body which has somehow made me a persona non grata in the eyes of society, in particular the medical profession. They say that the worst thing you can wish for is that you were never born, and I do not wish for this either. I don't think so at least. I just wish I felt like I had a future. That I could see a future, yet all I can see are dark clouds of uncertainty. I do not know anything about this body and will never learn any useful details. With how these symptoms are developing I may not live through this year, or I may be fine for another ten. It's impossible to say.

If I stop caring. Stop feeling. Maybe then I'll be able to continue to live for a while longer...


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