Saturday, 11 June 2016

Fighting against the darkness

This whole concept of me somehow becoming part of 'normal' life is an interesting one. My youth I spent mostly by myself, reading books or playing games on the computer or console. My teenage years I spent by myself, while suffering bullying and harassment by my classmates. My tween years were spent trying to find the truth about myself and my body, fighting against national and international institutions while losing the ability to care what others did to my body, as long as I wasn't completely alone.

They were decades which have left me with darkness covering my heart and soul. Decades which have taught me I will never be... like others. Intellectually I'm too different. Physically I am no part of society. Psychologically I'm too unstable and unusual. The life I have lived so far makes it clear that I do not and never will have anything in common with the people around me.

In light of this it is fairly obvious why I can perform well at a day job as a software developer, yet will more than gladly bow out of social gatherings and events. I do not care to learn about the lives of people around me. I do not wish to think about them having relationships, getting married and starting families. I do not wish to be reminded of the darkness inside my mind.

I do not wish to see others live somewhere pleasant or enjoy a vacation. All I wish for is to shut everything out but those few things in life which are not tainted and corrupted by darkness. Those things being the only things which kept me sane over the past decades: computers, technology, books and science.

Clinging to these few isolated spots of light amidst this endless ocean of darkness formed by humanity, I desperately seek to preserve my sanity. I try to breach the walls that stand between myself and others, only to find out what horrible price doing so will cost me. Even with something as seemingly harmless as a games night at the office with colleagues such as last Friday.

I cannot begin to describe how terrible such a thing makes me feel. For the past months I have tried to tell myself that this time I would participate, but each time I can feel the darkness gnawing at my mind long beforehand. It feels wrong for me to partake in such an event, to even be there. To have the nerve to exist. I do not belong there. I should not, nay, cannot exist in that same reality.

With this darkness so strong inside of me, I feel that it is futile to even pretend to be part of society, or to partake in social events. It won't make anyone happy, or improve anything. It only serves to remind me of an alternative reality which was closed off to me before I was even born.

I will keep smiling in daily life, even if deep inside my heart I can only find solace from the darkness when I'm surrounded by books and computers, instead of people. They won't judge. They won't leer. They won't condemn me. They will always support me, comfort me, and help me grow and heal.


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