Thursday, 30 June 2016

The tragedy of a cry for help

It's been over fifteen years since I lost a cousin. After experiencing sexual abuse by her grandfather and uncle as a young child for many years, subsequently the Dutch justice system completely failed her, psychological help failed and her own family protected the rapists instead. After years of this she took her own life, thus ending her suffering at long last.

To my mother and I it's still a topic we can get really upset about, and is the primary reason why we do not wish to have any contact with this part of the family any more. Like my mother, I'm not sure I could stay civil in the presence of such... people, and thus I won't even chance it. Fortunately, now that I have left the Netherlands for good, there is pretty much zero chance of such an encounter ever happening.

This cousin was a year older than I was at the time. I'm familiar with her struggles and I do not feel terrible that she escaped countless more years of suffering, yet at the same time I still that I could have done something, anything to prevent such a waste of an innocent life as the cost of a failing judicial system and unscrupulous, evil people. She had been crying out for help for so many years, but nobody wanted or could help her. Not even her own mother.

In 2009 someone who I considered to be a friend at the time told me when I asked why he was becoming more distant, that he had thought that I would be committing suicide soon, and that's why he wanted to distance himself emotionally.

In early 2011 the continued lack of medical and psychological help, and without friends to fall back on, being forced to leave this friend's place and face homelessness drove me to attempt suicide. I was going to lose the little I still had left in life after all, so why not just cash in, check out and rest peacefully? It wasn't like anyone was going to help me anyway.

Currently I'm feeling somewhat like I did back then, before I attempted to commit suicide. The same feeling of hopelessness, of fear that at any moment now I'll lose everything and that will be the end of it. Between being fined well over 3,000 Euro for suffering a blackout, having my landlady threaten to send lawyers after me and generally not being able to feel at ease or safe in any sense of the word, I feel that I am at least justified for feeling this terrified.

Sure, I am getting medical help, and also something which turn into psychological help, yet after I had an acquaintance guilt-trip me for not following a lead on a possible house to rent and I suffered an almost instant mental breakdown as a result, I realised again just how fragile my mental and emotional stability is. When I say that I'm 'tired', I don't mean just that I need a good night's sleep. I'm emotionally and mentally exhausted. I don't have any reserves left.

It's easier to just give in to fatalism. It's easier to just give up. Because there is no real point to it anyway. My cries for help the past years have been largely ignored. When I say that I cannot do something anything 'simple' any more, such as doing groceries, hunting houses and what not, I am not trying to be interesting, whine or merely attract attention. I say it because I'm this close to attempt suicide again. And this time I likely won't fail.

And how stupid would it be for me to die when I'm this close to a resolution? Medical help is on its way. I just need to find a stupid new house to move into so that I won't be harassed by stupid landlords who ignore maintenance and the well-being of their tenants. I just need to recover financially and psychologically from having to pay this punishment for being intersex. That's all.

Yet I cannot do it myself. The cost of just writing this text has been numerous bloody scratches on my neck and arms, as well as my hands trying to choke the life out of my own throat. Not because I want to or because it makes sense or because it will help me in any way. Simply because I'm so desperate for someone to help me that I am resorting to self-mutilation again as the only possible way to deal with this impossible stress...

This is my cry for help.

Feel free to ignore it.

I won't blame you.

It'll all go away by itself.



ron said...

Giving up is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

At your center ...when you close your eyes and the noise stops there is just you and that moment there is no past or future. Hold on to that moment until the dust settles and it will settle.

David Boddie said...

Please don't give up now, Maya.

Sheila Nagig said...

I'm not ignoring you, I just don't know how to help and I wish I could. Is there the possibility that you could check yourself in someplace for a while just to have someone watching over you so you can give your energy to working through things and getting to a place where you feel less fragile? It sounds like a last resort, but it's a much better last resort than checking out for good. If you get a good therapist, share your blog with them so they have a quicker way of getting up to speed with your circumstances and emotional history. You express your feelings very clearly here. You might help yourself better than you have in the past if you do.

Aurelius R said...

I've totally been there before. The best thing you could do for yourself is just let go of your worries, order some takeout, put on a movie you love and take this ENTIRE weekend to yourself. No work, no thinking about crappy stuff, just self-love.
Sleep in! Don't do the dishes. Whatever will help you relax. You deserve it!
Much love from Canada.

Andrea Kay Bloom said...

I too suffer from deep depression and have been in a fragile state more than once. I want you to know 4 things:
#1: This is TEMPORARY. Give yourself time and your life will change dramatically.
#2: Make yourself move. Even if you feel like you are weighed down by hundreds of pounds. A walk, a bicycle ride, etc. all work. Physically go through the motions of a happy person. It almost seems like pretending to be happy makes you happy. This is how I dragged myself out of my deepest holes. It works.
#3: (Most importantly) Get support. Talk to other people who have similar experiences. PLEASE find a
-support group or
-counselor or
#4: You are loved and appreciated and you are NOT ALONE.

I am so sorry that you are going through this crappy time. Please be patient and hold onto hope that energy and joy are on their way. If it's too hard to hope, just MOVE your body & CONNECT with SUPPORT.

Andrea Bloom (email anytime)