Forget It...

Yesterday I finally got the phone call from the Erasmus MC with yet another doctor (Sandbrink). The following conversion I'd definitely file under 'incredibly ridiculous'. It started when the doctor who called informed me that the re-evaluation of the MRI images had resulted in the same conclusion as before, at this news I already passed the phone on to Pieter, who fortunately had taken a day off.

After talking to the doctor for a bit, Pieter started asking whether he was absolutely sure that they had analysed the correct images (the second set) and not the old, incorrect ones, since Sandbrink had used the word 're-evaluation', which seemed to hint at looking at the same images twice. At this question the doctor answered that he didn't know for sure, but that he'd contact the radiologist right away and call us back.

So when the phone rang again after a short while, Pieter answered it and Sandbrink admitted that indeed, the old images had been analysed again and apologized profoundly for this. He said that he'd talk with the radiologist in person the next day, have the people responsible for this mix-up reprimanded, and try to get some results before the end of this week.

Part of me is happy that at least it wasn't a negative result based on the new set, another part is horrified that I have to wait more, another skeptical of those promises and above all there is a sense of crushing blandness.

Later yesterday Pieter had to pick up some tools by a friend and I opted to go along with him. Once there I learned that this friend and his wife had decided to get a child without me hearing even a sliver of news about it when she showed me an ultra-sound image of the unborn child. I must say that I didn't feel a thing at this news or when looking at the ultra-sound image. The only moment when I was there that I actually felt emotion was when I told about my experiences today and particularly about the thoughts of suicide at hearing what I initially thought was bad news.

Then as Pieter and I were driving back home again, I really collapsed, and I still haven't recovered yet. I haven't felt this incredibly... bland, I guess, as well as negative in a while. I really don't give anything about anyone or anything right now. I don't want to participate in any kind of social rituals or anything. I wish everything would just go away... I'm merely trapped in some kind of nightmare from which I desperately need to wake up... even if suicide is the only way...


Maya