ER

Looking back at recent events, I think it's clear that myself and others are putting me under too much stress to make it possible for me to function 'normally'.

Yesterday, shortly after getting up, I started feeling sick and very short of breath, which worsened during the next 1-2 hours until I could hardly breathe anymore. Pieter made an appointment for me with a physician (my own GP doesn't work on weekends) and after sitting there in the waiting room for what seemed like an hour, the physician admitted us.

While I was explaining my condition to her, I began to feel increasingly dizzy, with a tingling sensation in my hands which began spreading over the rest of my body. I felt like I didn't have enough air in my lungs to speak more than 2-3 words at a time, and was preparing to find myself fainting. This didn't happen, however.

The physician checked my lungs but couldn't find anything unusual. After ruling out some common causes like asthma, I was send to the ER of the local hospital. Once there my condition had already somewhat improved and by the time a doctor came to me, he suggested that seeing my current condition it was probably a case of hyperventilating, but that I should come back if it'd happen again.

I really hope I won't have to come back, because feeling like you're just fighting to get some air for hours on end is an everything but pleasant experience. Thing is, though, that my case of apparent hyperventilating is probably caused by the stress I find myself under on a daily basis, with a definite increase after last Tuesday. Everything feels just as pointless again as it did before.

Often I have wondered what it'd be like to hear 'voices' in one's head, and recently I have come to realize that I've been experiencing them for a while now. They're the lingering 'thoughts', or echos which keep bombarding me with the same or similar suggestions and/or try to reason with me in a highly emotional matter. However, they're not 'me' and can not make me do anything until I let them take control, which I refuse. It's still a fight I'm doomed to lose at this rate.

What else did I do this weekend... a while ago already the living room got a makeover, with a new floor, fresh layer of paint and everything, plus a new TV. Yesterday a new cabinet was added to the whole. It being a piece of furniture you have to assemble yourself, it took Pieter and me until earlier today to finish assembling it. Of course we took some time out to eat, sleep and watch movies ;)

In a sense the fact that I'm so different makes me kind of happy because with all my experiences taken into account, there's nothing I'd want to be less than a human...


Maya