Hanging On...

Yesterday's poem seems to have caused quite a bit of controversy. At one forum I used to visit in the past they even thought that I had (finally) committed suicide. That's not how I intended it. It wasn't a scream for attention either. It's a summary of the thoughts which fill my mind every day, especially when I'm tired or have just been confronted with how different I am again. They're about as boring as re-runs on TV now.

My attempts to seal away my emotional side are progressing smoothly. I find that I care less and less about anything and generally feel less upset. I guess this is my way of accepting that nothing will ever change and that I have to survive somehow. Yes, I'm becoming more isolated and no, this won't last forever. I will die within about a year at this rate, but I guess I just have to accept that as well.

How does one respond to a death sentence? Generally the five stages of acceptance are involved. First there's denial: how can they do this to me? Why don't they help me? Then there's anger, feeling outraged at the injustice being done to one. Next there's bargaining, trying to reduce one's sentence, attempting to get at least something more out of it.

The last two stages are depression, not seeing the point of fighting any more, let alone the point of anything else. Why should I care? Nothing I do matters anyway. It'll be over soon. Then finally there's acceptance. Accepting that things can not be changed, that they're okay this way. Being able to live with it.

It feels as though I'm between depression and acceptance at this point. I still feel a lot of bitterness and resentment, but they're slowly changing into sadness. It'll pain me to leave this life, but they call it unpredictable for a reason. Learn to live with it, with who and what you are. So I will. There's a chance I might live on... but it'd require me to fully accept that I'll never know who and what I am, that I'll have to live without knowing my real identity, with multiple identities in my dealings with others, that I'll never experience a lot of things including intimacy, love, friendship, and anything else which require one to 'connect' with another human.

In essence I'd have to abandon any kind of feelings, turning somewhat into the person I was in 2004, with no emotions, just living in a world of rational thoughts. It'll be hard and I'd much rather not do this... but I want to live so badly that I'll do whatever it takes to prevent myself from doing anything stupid like sticking a knife into my tummy.

Anyway, the past few days I've had this weird headache, with me feeling very nauseous and downright sick around noon which I only seem to be able to effectively deal with by sleeping. I now sleep around three hours during the day, up from the two hours of before. Another thing I'm experiencing is a tingly sensation, mostly on my right hand and arm, which sometimes expands over most my body. It feels like when the blood circulation has been cut off to one's limbs for a while after sleeping in a weird position. I'm not sure what causes it. It might have something to do with me quitting the anti-depressants cold-turkey over a week ago, though I didn't see such effects in the instructions I got with the anti-depressants.

Today I've managed to work a lot on the technical specification for the new ReactOS installer. I've finished the first few descriptions of the wizards, just a couple more to go and then some coding and file layout sections. This is only the first draft, of course. It's amazing how many little details one always needs to put in later, or even complete features, not to mention the zillion things one finds one has to research.


Maya