Tuesday, 23 September 2008


Last week's setbacks have pretty much completely squashed any hope that I'll ever find out who and what I really am. On top of that I have found out how many people dislike, do not understand, or even outright hate me for not just accepting myself for what they think I am. It makes me not want to ask for help anymore, from regular people and medical people alike. I'll just get hurt anyway. Same thing with relationships.

All the 'advice' I got from my last topic on the Tweakers.net forum mostly included things like just accepting myself as probably being transsexual, just subjecting myself to the whims of the 'specialists' here, as well as other stupid things with no relevance or regard to my situation.

To give myself at least something to focus on I've decided that unless I receive some kind of positive news this week, I'll start researching options for suicide next week and execute it as soon as possible after that. I just can't find any joy in life any more, especially the past weeks everything has just turned grey and all I do and hear and see and feel hurts.

Unless something positive happens, this'll be my last post here. I don't give a damn whether people think I'm just looking for attention this way or so. F*** them. This is about myself, my pain and the only thing I can seemingly do about it. Life never meant anything to me anyway. So go on with your lives and forget about my whining and begging, just be glad I'm finally shutting up.



holland said...

you received a 100 dollar donation and to show your appreciation youre buying a 100 dollar rope to hang yourself

some person you are

Adriana said...

I have to agree. What the fuck? So all of your fighting against the river was for nothing? Silly girl. You're letting them win.

So what if you don't know what you are physically? Don't you know emotionally? You keep reassuring yourself you're female, shouldn't that be enough? Isn't that what matters? Fuck what physical shit may or may not say.

Killing yourself. Daft woman. How about instead of doing that you find a way to maintain yourself financially, so you can finally save and get your desired surgery? Go out, find a job outside of your room. Meet the world, not everyone is out to get you. Be thankful. For what? Be thankful for and to the people that care about you. NG. Olivia. The people who read your blog. Your parents. Your brother. What the fuck kind of way is that of thanking them with your suicide? You're selfish.

Tania said...

Look at the statistics..
you don´t wanna be a number, do you..


wiebbe said...

As much as I can't relate to your story (pretty hard of course) I do sympathize with your feelings and life.

Trying to find out who you are and where you belong in this big world is for everyone one of the most important things.

Like Adriana said, don't you ever let them win! You have fought against the biased views of everyone all this time and see how far you have come!

Although I don't know you personally please be assured that there are people out here that would accept someone for how someone is without prejudice!

Suicide is never the answer, not now, not ever!

wiebbe said...

Just so you know some people do care bit, I donated 10 euro's to help you with the costs.

Alianirlian said...

As you can see, quite a few people aren't 'tired of your whining yet' and express, in various ways, they don't want you to kill yourself.

Of course, suicide is - ultimately, and by default - your own choice. Don't get me wrong, I see the appeal in it. You are strong, but you'd like to be weak, now and then. You fight hard, but get tired of fighting. You are courageous - but it's far more courageous to live than to die.

Despite your words, your feelings, there are still people who reach out to you. (And I'm only a ping away on MSN or by mail). The choice is yours, but realise that if you do kill yourself, you turn away from other people - there are still people who haven't turned away from you.


grim4593 said...


aisgirl said...

I can give you a good reason why you should not commit suicide: if you do it now you'll be registered as male in the statistics.

I think you've been waiting too long for other people to change your situation. Now it's up to you and killing yourself most certainly does NOT change your situation.

It seems nobody can diagnose you with an intersex condition, but I really don't understand why you want to be diagnosed with an intersex condition. For transsexual people there are many possibilities to receive the best possible treatment, but for most people with an intersex condition treatment simply stops as soon as they are 18 years old.