Saturday, 15 November 2008

Shifting Definitions~

Yesterday I had my appointment with the gynaecologist/sexuologist at the AMC in Amsterdam. Much of what I remember of those two hours is me being questioned on every single detail of my life while forbidden to speak while she was writing things down. At least I never had to repeat anything for her. She understood my situation, understood that I'm not transsexual either. That's right, I'm rid of the 'transsexual' label I got forced on me four years ago. As she recognizes that I feel like a woman and see my body as being that of a woman, there's no way to make it fit the definition of transsexuality.

As for the physical examination which also took place... Thanks to a urologist who joined the examination, I got confirmation that a) I do indeed not have a foreskin and b) I have a (very tiny) prostate. The point I indicated as the place where I feel what I suspect to be a vagina is located, is not near the anal part and thus I was not using the backdoor, so to speak :P

As to what I do have there... she said it can't be a vagina, says that I'd have to be something like an outgrowth of the urinary tract, something they said in Germany as well after a re-evaluation at the first clinic. This is a conclusion I find remarkable, as it'd have to fit the fact that I can penetrate myself there as far as the skin allows (even with two fingers...), is my primary erogenous spot and in general shows some remarkable qualities I'd never expect to see in the urinary tract. Some explanation here would be welcome for sure.

So anyway, this gynaecologist will contact a psychologist at the VUMC's gender team, to come to a conclusion about what kind of definition to give my condition. I have no idea what they'll come up with. Someone who thinks that he/she is female both mentally as physically is remarkable enough, with the conclusion of 'mentally deranged' hinging only on whether the body of this person is actually feminine or not. Despite what some rather mean people say to me, I still think that my body is remarkably feminine for a supposed 'boy'.

Another thing I can't figure out is that a) I have a prostate which is probably non-active by now due to the hormones, b) when sexually aroused I produce a lot (probably tens of ml) of a clear liquid and c) I can't figure out where it's coming from or what it is exactly. In terms of properties this liquid is similar to vaginal fluids produced during arousal, but I'm not supposed to have a vagina, so...

Yesterday I was accompanied to the hospital by Pieter and a good friend of mine, a girl I've known for about a year already but who I met for the first time on Thursday. She stayed the night and left after dinner on Friday. We've talked a lot while she was here and she has provided me with a lot of support, and didn't even freak out when I went into a kind of withdrawed state after she accidentally triggered one (or more, it's hard to differentiate) of my traumas.

She also attempted to make me feel that sexuality doesn't have to be a scary, traumatizing thing. Aside from frequent, random moments of near-terror during this, I feel that it was a success. It hasn't cured me instantly, of course, but I feel that I can deal with the topic at least 0.1% better now :)

At any rate she and I will be meeting more often from now, and I really hope that we can build up some kind of relationship.. As it's all new to me, I find that I'm shielding many parts of especially my emotional side still. Part of me simply expects things to crash and burn, based on previous experiences. It's hard to believe one has truly found an oasis after having chased mirages for years.

Anyway, after a short brush with slavery (I tried to apply for a job at Gentronics, but got scared away by the requirements since I only finished HS), I'm going to start advertising my company's services both here in Almere as well as (inter)nationally. Let's hope it becomes a success.

It'd be nice if our first game (out before X-mas :P ) sold well too :) One can always hope, I guess. First I need to find some people who can do sound and modelling.

I solved the mystery of a few thousand Italians visiting my blog as well. My video got posted on the Italian Yahoo site ( ) and thus people came to learn more about me :)



LMX said...

Too bad about the job. Well, from the other stories I've heard I can't say I would have liked working there myself. I was more concerned with your monetary issues than the actual place, but it's your dollar.

And I would advise you to keep searching, but I'm not exactly the shining career type either. The very idea of that kind of complacency makes me want to make sick squishy noises.

Do what you do best, May. :)

Sai Teja said...

hey ,
Frankly speaking i have not come across this blog just by surfing or not by any mean of fun.I myself was very much in traumatic situation after loosing my brother, and sry 2 mention i know u'd not like this but a failed relation ship(not failed exactly even,quite complex thanx to the indian tradition).So i was like i was lost in mah life,felt like giving up everything and was indeed doing so and worst of all is i hate sharing mah sorrowness ready to share my happi ness but not mah sorrow.And one friend who omehow foundout how bad iam feeling showed me up to your blog. I dont say im out of my sadness thanx to your story or anything of that sort for that case.Neither can i help u with ur probs like ur other friends.But just felt like u are really inspirational thanx 2 u atleast i feel im not alone in this world ppl have much worse situations.I could have easily ended mah life as many fools do but you see thats not the case.I always feel what about the people who love us?vat about the responsibilities dat i have 2 fill Leavin this world just like dis vud mean im a coward but I cant even dare say iam not a coward.I always fear how i cna make through without him i just cant hez mah everythin n so is d gal.... I just think i can talk to u if u really can spare some time .... sorry if any part of mah post is arrogance firstly many ppl even maynot like me (atleast i feel so) bcoz of mah arrogance sorry if u feel d same 2 I am not sure really if i can help u in any way even if my words can help u but 1 thing urs did really n firstly im a noob particularly considering ur a developer mayb a big looser ;) dont even know if my posting here is correct or not I dont know if u'd have time 2 go through be frang again, it may but not completely bother me if u read it or not.... but it satisfies me that atleast i tried 2 interact with some1 really gr8 atleast with respect to me n dat i kud atleast burst out with some of my feelings :D n finally
I LOVE YOU(just felt like saying so some1 thought me giving love 2 some1 really mayb of anytypes i just feel every1 must luv every1)
bye have a nice life
n do just vat u wanna n b vat u r hope i kuda follow dez 2 ;)
sry 4 d long post........ :D