The past days have been really about my TV debut and I feel as though the fall-out from it has only just begun. I'm getting a lot of comments, mostly positive, but the occasional remark which makes me want to curl up in a dark corner and die from the pain inside, especially remarks about my voice. Yes, I know that I haven't got the perfect female voice, but to say that I sound like a male I think is quite offending. Yet such remarks address the uncertainty I feel about myself in general, and make me feel horrible. It does reinforce my desire to get a vocal cord surgery after all.
Anyway, Omroep Flevoland is sending me a DVD of the broadcast, which I should receive tomorrow. I'll try to get a subtitled version online as soon as I can. The video will be uploaded on YouTube.
Today a good friend let slip that he's looking for casual sex on certain websites. The millisecond after I realized this I just felt sick inside, to the point where my emotions completely overtook me and I had to forcefully drag myself downstairs to my bed to sleep. By the time I woke up I felt better, but even as I type this, my mind is reeling at its inability to understand why he'd do such an in my eyes horrible thing. I find sexuality in itself already a horrible, horrible thing, but casual sex is like the worst sin of all. My emotional side is just about to keel over from outrage and shock right now. I want to cry, scratch myself, hurt myself using my fists, blunt objects, knives and whatever I can find.
Ironic is that today I also got a phone call from doctor Linthorst informing me that I've got an appointment with a gynaecologist on Friday morning. This while I feel like I have never hated my body so much before. In the case that the gynaecologist finds nothing of interest, I'm not sure what I'll do. It'll be curtains as far as the medical side goes, I guess.
There are two things which devastate me the most. One is my body and my lack of knowledge about it. The second are my various traumas, mostly those regarding sexuality (rape, assault, casual, pointless sex, and so on). Both of them together are doing an excellent job of destroying my sanity. The former is relatively easily solved if any doctor and/or surgeon would put his moral dilemma about cutting into a healthy person aside and favour my continued mental and physical health. Someone is going to cut into this body anyway. I did it before and at this rate I fear I might do it again. I just don't know how deep yet.
The latter issue is not so easily solved. I'm sure that I'll never fully get rid of those traumas, but with the former issue resolved and if I were to experience how sexuality (and love) _can_ be pleasant (right now sexuality and everything related to it come straight out of a horror movie), things might actually improve.
So, I'm really hoping that next Friday something good happens, of only so that I won't snap and do something I (or those who survive me) may regret.
Say, I'd like to trade in this body for a more regular model...