Fluctuations

How quickly things can change. Early yesterday when I wrote the blog post I was boasting that I didn't feel too sore yet after the 3 hours at the gym the day before, only to have the stiffness and soreness set in a few hours afterwards. Right now I can feel quite well which muscle groups I used Wednesday. Hopefully I'll have recovered a bit by the time I'm going to the gym today (7 PM as usual). I'll take it easy at any rate :P

Wednesday after the gym I felt quite good, only to have things reverse again the next day, partially due to Pieter reminding me to contact my mother so that she can accompany me Monday to the hospital. I felt unable to do a significant amount of work all Thursday long, spent a few hours during the day in bed watching TV, and generally was a wreck.

Regarding the programs I watched on TV yesterday, on National Geographic Channel there was this interesting documentary on the evolution of birds. Few people seem to realize that modern birds are the only surviving dinosaurs, specifically raptors. Crocodiles are reptiles, not dinosaurs. What I found to be an awe-inducing moment were the big natural disasters occurring during the evolution of raptors into birds, the biggest two wiping out much of the life on the planet and changing the course of evolution. Perhaps it was due to my recent church visit, but I found myself thinking of how much more awesome nature can be than anything humans can come up with, especially religions. Jesus got nothing against an asteroid, half the size of Manhattan, smashing a 160 km crater into the planet and causing mass-extinction. That's Awesome with a capital 'A'.

My mood yesterday slowly worsened until I collapsed emotionally twice last night, the last time right before I was going to bed, while brushing my hair in front of the mirror. Pieter, who had already gone to bed, came down to my room to comfort me. After the first collapse I had already decided to take a sleeping pill, but it didn't kick in before the second collapse. Feeling completely miserable, I was glad I had taken the sleeping pill and after Pieter had tucked me in, I quickly fell asleep, to awake not until 7 hours later, feeling relatively rested.

The reason for the collapses is basically due to the additional stress from the appointment on Monday. To me it symbolizes everything that is wrong with me, with my body. It reinforces that I'm not normal, and never will be. It pains me so much to even think about the whole medical mess that I just want to curl up in a dark room and shut everything out. Just go away... leave me alone. I'm done playing this game. Soon I'll have to start telling people I met at the gym, at the pool, and who knows where else what's going on with me, and I'm so tired of it reminding me that I do not even remotely know what this body I was born with is.

I might as well have been stricken with some kind of horrific injury or defect for the effects it has on my life. Call it hyperbole, but unless you have some kind of serious physical or mental issue, and have seen dozens of hospitals and 'specialists' in trying to resolve it, you have no idea what levels of agony it can cause.

Today I'm feeling relatively stable, but even typing this blog post has already exhausted much of my energy...


Maya